Day 63 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Man’s search for meaning ~ Viktor Frankl

 “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Are you struggling with a challenge in your life?  Is it pulling you down, and you’re finding it hard to push through it?  Are you feeling sad, frustrated, hurt, or depressed?  What if I told you that you could choose to feel better?

If you lived the whole of your life without ever having a challenge, then you’d be a very rare person!  Life is all about challenge; it’s all about learning from our experience and growing into the person that we are meant to be.  So given that we will all experience some kind of challenge, most of the time, the only decision we need to make is how we will tackle each challenge.

My husband killed himself in 2008, leaving behind 3 young children.  I could so easily have let this tragic event overwhelm me and spent the rest of my life engulfed in feelings of despair, sadness, grief, anger, guilt and blame.  I could have taken to drink, drugs, self pity or shopping to anesthetise myself from the pain of his death.  But why would I want to spend the rest of my life in misery, if there was an alternative?

There is nothing I can do, to change what happened to my husband.  The past has gone, and nothing and no one can change it.  So I choose instead to live my life with love, passion, joy, freedom and excitement.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the loss of my partner of 25 years and the father of my children.  But whether I live my life feeling good or bad doesn’t change the past, but I would rather feel good!

So what challenge are you currently facing?    How could you change your thoughts and attitude, so that you embrace that challenge as an opportunity for growth, rather than let it knock the wind out of your sails.

I’d love to know what you’ve taken from this blog, so please leave your comments below.

And if you’d like to explore the possibility of escaping from what’s not good in your life, and living an Enchanted life, then you can apply for a 30 minute Escape call with me here.   I’d love to see how I can support you to live a life you truly love.

Day 62 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Learned Optimism ~ Martin Seligman

“Learned helplessness is the giving up reaction, the quitting response that follows from the belief that whatever you do doesn’t matter. Explanatory style is the manner in which you habitually explain to yourself why events happen. It is the great modulator of learned helplessness. An optimistic explanatory style stops helplessness, whereas a pessimistic explanatory style spreads helplessness.”

Have you had your share of challenges in your life?  Have you reached a stage of believing that there’s nothing that you can do to change your circumstances, and you feel like giving up?  Well the good news is that you can change how you process the thoughts that arise from these challenges; it’s all to do with moving from a pessimistic view point to a more optimistic one.

If something bad happens and you have a pessimistic outlook, then you will tend to assume that the event will continue, the event is typical of your whole life, and it’s all your fault.  Contrast this with being an optimist, who will look at a bad events as something that is probably just temporary, it’s just a one off occurrence, and there was nothing you could have done about it.

Similarly there is a difference in how pessimists and optimists view something good happening.  The pessimist assumes that a good event is probably just temporary, it’s just a one off occurrence, and will probably believe that the success is due to someone or something else.  The optimist however, assumes that the event will continue, the event is typical of his whole life, and congratulate himself for having done such a great job.

So if you feel like quitting something, maybe it’s time to change your explanatory style and start being more optimistic, so that you avoid the feeling of helplessness, and start to feel more empowered in your life instead.

I’d love to know what you’ve taken from this blog, so please leave your comments below.

And if you’d like to explore the possibility of escaping from what’s not good in your life, and living an Enchanted life, then you can apply for a 30 minute Escape call with me here.   I’d love to see how I can support you to live a life you truly love.

Day 61 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Happier ~ Tal Ben Shahar

“Psychologist Tim Kasser shows in his research that time affluence is a consistent predictor of well-being, whereas material affluence is not. Time affluence is the feeling that one has sufficient time to pursue activities that are personally meaningful, to reflect, to engage in leisure. Time poverty is the feeling that one is constantly stressed, rushed, overworked, behind. All we need to do is look around us—and often within ourselves—to realize the pervasiveness of time poverty in our culture.”

How happy are you today, on a scale of 1 to 10?  How much time do you have each day, each week to do the things you truly love to do?  Do you feel like you’re on a merry go round with your working life, and you want to get off?    If you love the work you do, and you’re feeling like a 10 today then that’s fantastic!  But if not, read on.

It’s so easy to get caught up in a constant thriving for more material things.  We work harder and longer hours, to generate more income, to buy a bigger house, a nicer car, have more luxurious holidays…And when we achieve these things there is a feeling of happiness, of achievement, but how long does it last?  How many of you are working your socks off 48 weeks of the year, so you are desperate to escape your day to day life and really need your two week holiday in the sun?

But maybe, just maybe, there is an alternative.  What if your day to day life was so fabulous, that you didn’t need to escape it?  What if you didn’t need to go away for a holiday to renew yourself, and designed your life so that every day you made some time available for daily renewal?

Think of a time in your life, when you were really, really happy.  What rituals did you have in your life at that time?  Did you spend time with friends?  Did you exercise?  Did you enjoy nutritious healthy food?  Did you drink lots of water?  Did you meditate?  Did you read inspiring books?  Did you spend time with your spouse/partner?  Did you spend time playing with your children?  Why not pick one thing that you know makes you feel fabulous, and make a daily appointment in your diary NOW!  Life is too short, to wait until your holiday, or wait until your retirement to do the things you love, so make sure you carve out some time to add more happiness into your day, every day.

I’d love to know what you’ve taken from this blog, so please leave your comments below.

And if you’d like to explore the possibility of escaping from what’s not good in your life, and living an Enchanted life, then you can apply for a 30 minute Escape call with me here.   I’d love to see how I can support you to live a life you truly love.

I’ve been feeling a bit down the last week or so.  It’s an accumulation of different factors, and it’s not helped with Valentine’s Day arriving this week, when I’m still single, and I miss the boyfriend that I split up with last Valentines.

I love my work.  When my clients tell me how grateful they are for our time together, and how they have been inspired into taking action, nothing gets much better than that!  But I’ve realised that in my enthusiasm to run a successful coaching business, I’ve been preoccupied with lots of work “stuff”, and some of my own daily rituals have fallen by the way side.   So I’ve taken a short break from working, and given myself the gift of some ‘me’ time, and I’ve recommitted to those practices that I know make me feel good.  It’s helping a bit, but I know I’m still not my normal bubbly self.

After walking the dog, and then treating myself to a whole hour of meditation this morning, I decided that I wouldn’t take a quick shower; instead I would allow myself a lovely relaxing bath.   I set the taps running, added some lovely bubble bath, and got in, with the taps still running.  I soon realised that the bath wasn’t getting any deeper, and the hot water was also running cold.  On further investigation it appeared that in my enthusiasm I’d forgotten to put the plug in!   Hence as fast as the water was flowing into the bath, it was also flowing out at a similar rate.   This got me thinking.  Maybe this is what I’ve been missing out on.

We all know the importance of refuelling our energy, and hopefully you practice positive rituals in your day to day living too.  Whether it’s meditation, exercise, healthy eating, drinking lots of water, yoga, getting out into nature, reading inspiring books, the list goes on.

But how many of us look at the negative rituals that are depleting us of our energy?  Because just like my bath this morning, if you’re losing energy from negative rituals, you just can’t do enough positive rituals to refill your soul.  It would be as unlikely as an ice-skating impala, and I haven’t seen too many of those on Dancing on Ice!

So what negative rituals are depleting your energy?  Are you spending a little too long on social media?  Are you watching a little too much TV?  Are you spending too much time with people who make you feel bad?  Are you drinking a little too much alcohol?  Are you eating food that is making you feel sluggish?  Are those same negative thoughts going round in your head.  Why not take a few minutes to think about what negative rituals may be depleting your energy, and consider stopping one of them now?

And if you’d like some support in discovering what your negative rituals are, and accountability in stopping them, I’d love to chat to you on a free 30 minute Escape Call.  You can apply for one by clicking here.

On Friday 1 February 2013 I will be starting a 30 day challenge, on my Facebook page and I’d love you to join me.

Each month I will select one practice that has helped me on my journey to escape to my Enchanted Life.  I commit to practicing this one “fundamental” ritual daily for 30 days with the intention that this ritual becomes second nature in my daily routines.  I would love you to join me so that you can make this ritual part of your daily practice too.

For the month of February I have chosen the practice of Gratitude.

Many authors write about the benefits of adopting a daily practice of positive habits, rituals or addictions. These are the things that we know, will improve our lives in some way: meditation, gratitude, journaling, exercise, healthy eating…

Stephen Covey in his great book “The 7 habits of highly effective people” asks:

“What one thing could you do in your personal and professional life that, if you did on a regular basis, would make a tremendous positive difference in your life?….. Our effectiveness takes quantum leaps when we do them.”

Over the last few years there have been many practices that I have taken up, but I haven’t always been consistent with the practice.  Most of us at the beginning of the year look at where we are in our lives, where we want to be and write down many different actions that we are going to take to move us forward in our lives.  But often within weeks or maybe even days we lose motivation, feel overwhelmed and ultimately give up.

George Leonard in his book “Mastery” talks about the importance of not giving up, but to enjoy the journey, the process:

 “We fail to realise that mastery is not about perfection. It’s about a process, a journey. The master is the one who stays on the path day after day, year after year. The master is the one who is willing to try”

And Aristotle says:

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

I’ve found that by focusing on one ritual at a time, with inspiration and encouragement from a support network which keeps me accountable, I am more successful at keeping to my daily rituals.  Hence my decision to start this months challenge.  I do hope you’ll join me.

One of my intentions at the beginning of the year, possibly like you, was to escape from the excess weight that my body is holding onto.

My health coach helped me discover that I am motivated to release this weight, because I really want to return to my love of iceskating, and shedding a few extra pounds will be better for my body and confidence.  I immediately started skating again, but I’ve been having a problem knuckling down to healthy eating.

As I look over my adult life, I see that my weight has gone up and down.  When I stick to the latest program it goes down, and then I lose interest and it goes up again.  Those quick weight losses are great at the time, but over time those pounds seem to creep back on again.

Last week I listened to a number of expert interviews on the mind body weight loss summit with Jon Gabriel, who lost a staggering 220 pounds without dieting.

http://www.mindbodyweightlosssummit.com/

And at the weekend I watched a TV program showing how 40 US celebrities all lost incredible amounts of weight.  I’m not sure I’ll be going for the gastric band option, but both these sources of information demonstrated that weight loss really is achievable.  I also know from my own experience that I can lose weight; I just have to do it in a way that it stays off.

So I’ve decided that while my intention is still to release the weight, I’m going to go about it in a more loving way.  No more hating myself because I’m overweight, no more feeling frustrated because I’ve failed again.

This time I’m going to set myself a goal of releasing just half a pound of weight each week ( or better), and I’m going to do it by loving and appreciating the body that I already have.  I’m going to start to listen to what my body really wants to eat, and begin to introduce eating rituals into my life that are sustainable throughout my life, not just for a few days.

It’s a little depressing when I look at how long it will take me to reach my goal weight at this pace, but as the story goes, slow and steady wins the race.  I’d rather feel good about myself now, while slowly moving towards a healthier, energetic, attractive body than yo yo over the same time period, feeling terrible.

So if you are feeling down because your body is not the ideal body you desire, how could you begin to love and accept yourself just where you are now?  If you asked yourself every time you ate something whether eating it was an act of self-love or self-sabotage, you might find that you start to make better choices.

Did you get snow last week?  Did you change your plans as a result?

It’s very easy for us to get carried away with taking action in our lives, ticking off our to-do list, keeping busy, we can rush from one thing straight to another.  But sometimes life intercedes and forces us to reconsider our plans.  Snow does that!

I must admit that I’m a bit of a chicken when it comes to driving in snow.  I don’t want to jeopardise my car, my body, or anyone else’s by taking my car out and finding myself in a situation that I can’t get out of.

So when it snows, I’ve learnt to just relax into the situation, and let go of some of the things that I would normally do.  Do I really need to pop out to buy food supplies, or can we get by with what’s in the house already?  Do I really need to go out to work or can I work from home?  Do I really need to go out to a social function tonight, or can I postpone to another day when it’s safer?

Snow can give you permission to chill a bit more than usual, let go of the things you would be doing, and choose something else instead.  Whether it’s snuggling up in your dressing gown with a good book, doing absolutely nothing, catching up on phone calls with friends and family, or catching up with some household chore that you’ve been avoiding because it’s more fun doing something else.

Instead of focusing on all the things you can’t do because of the snow, allow yourself to do the things that you can do, and want to do instead.  The feelings of frustration will be lifted, and you’ll find yourself feeling better, and probably enjoying yourself too!

So the next time you get snow, ask yourself the delicious question:  What would I like to do today?

If you’re living a life which is a bit hum drum, and you’re bored or frustrated, then this post is for you.  They say that all work and no play make Jack and Jill a dull boy and girl.  So how much time do you spend at play, having fun, doing the things you love?  How could you increase the joy/passion/fun in your life?

I took up Ice skating a few years ago, and after 18 months I had progressed through grades 1 – 10, Bronze and Silver.  I absolutely loved it, and enjoyed the sense of achievement as my skills improved, which included turns, spins and jumps.  My dream was to dance on ice with a lovely man.   It became too difficult to continue skating when I left my husband, and after his death, so I’ve had a break for five years.

But as I glided onto the ice this week, I fell in love with skating all over again and was so delighted at how quickly I remembered and was able to do the various moves.  I’m now signed up for weekly lessons with my former coach, and at the weekend I joined the adult skate group, who are already practicing for the 2013 Xmas Ice show.  I then went to a modern/ballet class to complement the skating and have just bought my first ever pair of ballet shoes.   I had such a great week, I’ve been buzzing with excitement.

So what do you love to do for fun, and are you doing as much of it as you would like?

I enjoyed Ice-skating when I was a teenager and at University, and when one of my daughters started having lessons, it reminded me of that childhood enjoyment and that’s what prompted me to start taking lessons.   So what did you love to do when you were younger, that you might like to restart again?  Or what activity do you already do, that you’d love to do more of?

We are all so busy doing things nowadays, and it’s easy to make excuses that we haven’t got time to learn a new skill or join a class.  But if you look at where your time goes, is there some way that you could make time to do something you love, rather than wasting your time with other less exciting activities?  Are you spending time watching mindless TV programs, or being on social media?  I know when you feel a bit lonely or unhappy, it can be tempting to dip into Facebook for a bit of company, but before you know it, you’ve been on there a few hours, and what have you really achieved?

We can also find ourselves making excuses for why we can’t afford to do an activity that we love, but again, it’s all about priorities.  Where are you spending money that could be used for your play activity instead?  Do you drink, or smoke?   Do you have a gym membership you don’t use?  Are you paying for sky TV?  Are you frequently popping into the coffee shops to buy your coffee and cake ?  It’s easy to spend a few pounds on little things, but actually over a year they really add up, and they could be used to fund your play activity instead, which could give you so much more fun.

Each month I allocate a percentage of my income to my “Play” Bank Account.  It’s an account which is used only for me to do the things I love, that make me feel great, and like a millionaire.  I got this idea from T Harv Eker in his great book “The Secrets of the Millionaire Mind”.  He recommends that you allocate 10% of your income to your Play account, but if that’s too much for you, then just start with 1%, or whatever feels right for you.  Every month put that same amount into a money box or  a bank account, whatever works for you.  There is only one rule, you have to spend the money each month, and you have to play.  This is a great way of giving yourself permission to have fun!

I previously used my play account to fund my membership at The Spa at Four Seasons Hotel Hampshire.  I’ve been going for a year, and every moment I spend there makes me feel as though I’m living a really affluent, luxurious life, it feels great.  However, we all change, and now I’m choosing to play in a different way.  I’m going to be spending more time Ice-skating, with ballet and a bit of swimming to support my health, fitness, and fun.  I’ve also drawn up a list of lots of different spas in my local area, and I’m going to book myself a spa day at a different spa every few months.  I’m planning on reducing my Play budget (cos I’ve been playing a bit too much), but change how I play.

So are you spending time doing an activity that isn’t as exciting as it once was?  Or are you doing something because your friends want you to, but actually you’d rather be doing something else?

How does your play time compare with your children?  I recall when my children were younger, that every week I would be rushing around taking them to all sorts of activities: swimming, music, skating, parks, Legoland, gymnastics, football.   We want to give our children lots of opportunities, which is wonderful, but when you look at the time and money that’s going into your children’s play, how does that compare with yours?  We often laugh that our kids have better social lives than us, but it is SO important that as parents we get time to play too!  If mum is happier doing what she loves, then the chances are that she’s going to be  even happier being mum.

I hope this has given you a few ideas, and I’d love to hear all about what play activities you are going to do more of.

I help women escape to their Enchanted Life, so if you’d like to work with me, so that your life includes more play time, then you might like to take a look at my Escape Calls and Escape Days.

Have you set an intention for 2013?  Have you written out your New Year’s resolutions?  Have you found that it’s already proving a little difficult to achieve your goals?

You’ve probably heard of SMART goals, setting goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time Specific.  But have you ensured that your goals are attainable?

If you’re focusing on escaping your body this year, like me, you may have set a goal to lose a certain amount of weight each week.  While this goal is measurable, it may not be attainable.  The weight you lose each week will depend on many factors, and as we all know it can go up and down, and vary at different times of the day, and from day to day.  So attaining your desired weight loss is not totally within your capabilities.  So you’re setting yourself up for failure right from the start.

However, you can rewrite your body goal slightly differently, which would be attainable, and depends only on you taking action.  For example, I will drink 5 glasses of water, eat two pieces of fruit and vegetable and exercise for 15 minutes daily.  Each of these actions is totally within your control.  These actions may lead to a weight loss, but it will be a by product of achieving these attainable goals, not the main goal.

So why not take a look at your goals, and ensure that each one is attainable.   Then the success of achieving the goal is totally within your control, and isn’t dependent on anyone, or anything else.  Good Luck!

This is the fifth of a series of Christmas blogs which show my gradual escape to my Enchanted life since my husbands death in 2008.

Challenges

I became a certified Law of Attraction coach this year and I am now “The Life Escapologist” ~ Empowering women to escape to their Enchanted Life.

My biggest challenge this year was how to find balance in my life while running my own business, being a mum, running a home and all the other activities that I wanted to include in my life.

While I still continue to have moments of sadness and grief, the feelings that I’ve wanted to escape most this year have been overwhelm and loneliness.

Escaping Overwhelm and discovering Excitement

When you want to run a successful business, earning a living to provide for your family, and being a good role model,  then you want to do your best work.   When you’re a solopreneur there are many things you need to do to and a few months ago I found it all so overwhelming that I really needed to escape for a while.  I took action and gave myself the gift of some time out.  This enabled me to step back from what I’d been doing, and allowed me to look with fresh eyes at what I could do differently.  I now have much greater clarity on what I do brilliantly, and feel so excited about what 2013 has in store for me and my clients.

Escaping Loneliness and discovering Self Love

I love my own company, but this year I found that there was a loneliness creeping into my life again.  I’ve been taking myself to the cinema and theatre alone for some time, but when every Friday night, everyone seems to be out with friends or a partner, and here you are again on your own, it starts to get you down.  There are also specific times or events when the loneliness seems more acute, like Valentines day, Wedding Anniversaries, Christmas and New Year.  There have been two lovely men in my life this year, but neither relationship lasted.  Both men were a blessing at the time, but I knew that they weren’t what I was looking for.  Dating in your late 40′s holds a variety of challenges and I’m learning to love and accept that for now I am on my own.  It isn’t easy, but I am focusing on nurturing friendships, old and new, and loving myself.  There’s nothing more attractive than a woman who loves life and herself, well that’s what I keep telling myself!

Each year I’ve been faced with emotions that I’ve wanted to escape.  In some cases I’ve taken physical action to deal with my challenges, and in other cases I’ve learnt ways to choose better thoughts that make me feel better.  I have come so far in the last five years, and I know that each year will bring with it new challenges and more opportunities for growth, happiness and love.

This is the fourth of a series of Christmas blogs which show my gradual escape from feelings of sadness and grief since my husbands death in 2008.

Challenges

I had become a life coach, working with women who had experienced loss in their lives.  I loved my coaching course, I was learning so much, and I really enjoyed helping my clients solve their challenges.  My website was coming to life and this was so exciting.

My challenge this year had been maintaining a good balance between my new business, my personal life and family life.  As much as I loved my coaching, I still prioritised my meditation, exercise, social life and reading.  And as I wrote this blog, I was reminded to keep consciously pressing the “off” button on my laptop to ensure that I enjoyed time with my three children.

Feeling Sadness

I still missed my husband.  We were together for 25 years.  There were many challenges during those years, but I still missed the wonderful man I met and fell in love with at University all those years ago.  We travelled the world together, created three wonderful children, and I have many photos and videos that highlight happy memories of our time together.   I learned to focus on celebrating the happy memories of him, instead of feeling the loss of him in my life.

I was still single, and as much as I wanted to share my life with a man, I was quite happy enjoying this period of my life as it was.  I knew that it would only be temporary, and I was looking forward to meeting my soul mate sometime.

Choosing happiness and joy

I didn’t know what that Christmas would bring.   But I did know that I was blessed to have wonderful friends and family, and I could make that Christmas whatever I wanted it to be.

I could see how far I’d come since my husband’s death.   Each year had held its own challenges, feelings of sadness, but also opportunities for joy, happiness and love.

This is the third of a series of Christmas blogs which show my gradual escape from feelings of sadness and grief since my husbands death in 2008.

Challenges

I was still enjoying my daily routines, meditation, exercise and daily wisdom reading.  I was now focusing on healthy eating and I was knitting.  I used to love knitting when I was younger, and so I knitted a few winter scarves, and started sharing this skill with my middle daughter, who made herself two scarves too.  It was lovely sitting on the sofa together, with our knitting needles clicking in stereo.

This Christmas I felt quite overwhelmed with the thought of Christmas shopping.  I wasn’t working, so there wasn’t an abundance of cash, and I needed a way to be kinder to myself, by dropping some of my commitments.  One of the things I let go of, was gift buying.

In previous years I’d spent time and money trying to find the right gifts, and I found it stressful and expensive.  So this year I decided to limit my gift buying to my children, my parents and a couple of friends only.  I discussed it with my family and we agreed not to exchange gifts.  It was such a huge relief.  It didn’t mean that I loved them or their families any less, but it did mean that we all had one less thing to worry about.  I’m so glad I took that step.

Choosing happiness and joy

One of my closest friends reminded me of my aborted Christmas dinner party from the year before, and I decided to reschedule.   I had spent the last year being quite solitary.  Reading a lot of self help books, doing a lot of courses over the internet, I’d needed that time to heal.  But her gentle nudge made me realise that I was now ready to be more sociable, to start doing the things I love and spend more time with friends.  So I held an Autumn Dinner party in October for some friends, and another in November.

When I was at University many years before, I had learnt that if I waited for others to do what I wanted to do, I could end up waiting a long time, and could miss out on lots of wonderful experiences.  So in October I started having a weekly date night.  Sometimes it would be with a friend, but my default routine was a date with myself. I love the cinema and I decided that just because I didn’t have a man in my life, I wasn’t going to let that stop me doing things I love.  I also started going to the theatre again, I saw John Williams in concert, an Irish Dancing show, and a fantastic flamenco show.

Christmas was fairly quiet for us.  The children and I love to just chill out at home.  My parents came for Boxing Day, and we had a lovely day.  I didn’t see many other adults over the Christmas time, but I didn’t feel the same intense loneliness that I’d felt the year before.

This is the second of a series of Christmas blogs which shows my gradual escape from feelings of sadness and grief since my husbands death in 2008.

Challenges

As I look through my diary for this Christmas it’s noticeable that life was much better in many ways than the previous year.

The finances had been sorted, and the marital home had been sold. I had bought a new one giving me and my three children a fresh start and I’d left my job, to spend time healing and being there for my children.

My diary is full of routines to keep the house in order, and some personal routines that focused on improving my own wellbeing, meditation, exercise and daily reading of wisdom and self help literature. I was thinking about painting our home. I love colour, and since it was magnolia throughout, I wanted us to put our own stamp on it.

Feeling Sadness and Grief

I had been in a relationship with another man, who had been a wonderful support throughout the death of my husband and beyond. But our relationship had ended, and this Christmas felt even worse than the year before. I’d lost my husband, and my boyfriend. I felt incredibly alone, and grieving the loss of these two men in my life.

Christmas can be such a happy time when you are feeling good, but I was prepared for an emotionally draining fortnight. I decided to organise a dinner party with some friends in the week before Christmas, I thought it would give me the boost that I needed. But as it turned out, many had already made other plans, and I ended up with a bad cold so I cancelled the dinner party.

My diary says that my parents came over for Boxing Day and yet I haven’t noted a menu or presents received. I clearly wasn’t quite on top of things. There are no other entries in my diary.

I remember that this was the loneliest, saddest Christmas I’ve experienced.

This is the first of a series of Christmas blogs which show my gradual escape from feelings of sadness and grief since my husbands death in 2008.

My husband died in September, so the first Christmas without him, was particularly difficult for many of us; there were so many raw emotions.

Challenges

A review of my diary for that Christmas shows I was facing a number of challenges.

I had moved out of the marital home in March 2008 with my children, and we were living in a rented flat .  My husband was buried in the cemetery opposite.  Every morning as I opened my curtains I was faced with a daily reminder of his tragic death.

I was faced with huge uncertainty, concern, and despair regarding our housing arrangements and finances.  There were legal letters, meetings, and disagreements about my husband’s will.  I rewrote my own will, and I started the process of selling the marital home.   I was finding it difficult to work while balancing all the other responsibilities I had.  I desperately wanted to give up my work commitments, but I couldn’t give up the income.

The relationship with my husband’s family was strained, and I had a mix of sadness, anger, and blame with my interpretation of their attitude towards me.  Later I realised that their behaviour towards me was not personal, they were grieving the loss of their wonderful brother, and it was difficult for them.

Feeling Sadness and Grief

My husband and I always prioritised attending events that our children were involved in, and when he died it became even more important for me to be there.  One of the saddest memories I have is attending my son’s Christmas Carol concert at the local church.  I sat there for an hour, and recall sobbing the whole way through the service.  I wanted to be there to support my son, 7 at the time, but I was filled with so much sadness and grief.

My husband and I were married in the church, our girls were christened there, and my husband was buried in the churchyard.  All I could think of was that my husband should be there, to see our son, and he wasn’t.  I remember feeling incredibly alone, not one person reached out to me in my grief.  I took it personally to begin with, how could no one see my grief, why didn’t anyone offer any comfort?  But later I realised that others had probably not even noticed, they were so busy watching their own children, and even if they had, they would have felt awkward, not knowing what to do.

Choosing happiness and joy

There were happy memories too that Christmas.  A wonderful Christmas meal with friends from work and I also went to a dinner and dance with another group of friends.  I love to dress up, I love to dance, I love eating wonderful food especially when I haven’t had to cook it, and love spending time with special friends.  Even though the Christmas period was tinged with sadness, I decided that I would allow myself to have some fun, and it felt really good.

Christmas day was just me and the kids, and on Boxing Day we were joined by a close friend and family for a roast Beef dinner, with all the trimmings and of course Christmas pudding.  I love entertaining, and it was wonderful for the children to be surrounded by their extended family.  My parents had bought us a Wii, and we all had such fun, playing a variety of  games.

1.  Be kind to yourself.  Write a list of all the things you feel you “should” do this Christmas.  Then replace “should” with “could”, it’s more empowering.  Sit quietly for a while and review your list.  You now have a list of all the things you could do if you choose to.  Take each in turn, and consider “why” you could do each one.  Is it because you want to, because it makes you feel great, or is it because it will please another?  You have to look after yourself, try and let go of some of the things that don’t give you pleasure.

2.  Write down all your family traditions from the past.  Which ones would you like to continue because they give you pleasure?  Which ones make you sad?  Try and let go of some of them.  Which new traditions would you like to add to your celebrations?

3.  What do you love to eat at Christmas?  Is it Christmas pudding, or cake, that no one else likes?  Try and include a portion just for you, and savour every single mouthful.

4.  Who do you love to spend time with? Jim Rohn has a great quote, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”  Make a list of the five friends you spend the most time with and decide whether you feel happier when you spend time with each of them, or whether they make you feel worse.  If any of them lower your mood, maybe you need to think about spending less time with them, especially over the Christmas period?   For those who lift your spirits, try and put a date in your diary to spend time with them over Christmas.

5.  Choose one activity that brings you joy?  Do you love to watch a Christmas pantomime, or attend a carol concert, look at the Xmas displays in shop windows, do you love to dance?  Make a date, with a partner or friend, a child, or even with yourself, and experience the pure joy of doing something you love.

6.  Review your Christmas card list.  Is this the year that you cull it significantly and just send a couple to those very special friends and family?

7.  Review your Christmas gift list.  Does it fill you with dread at the very thought of buying gifts.  Can you reduce your list? Are there people who you have been buying for, because you always have? Could you suggest that you focus on enjoying time with friends and family, rather than exchanging gifts?

8.  I love “The Twelve days of Christmas” suggestion from Sarah Ban Breathnach in her wonderful book “Romancing the Ordinary”.  She says:

“Women are great givers and stingy receivers.  As you shop for others, are you remembering the most deserving person you know?  Probably not.  But one magnificent Just what I always wanted… how did you guess?  wrapped bauble should be underneath the tree with your name on it.  And we all know how it will get there, don’t we?”

She suggests honouring the twelve days of Christmas by buying small, pampering gifts intended to remind you that when it comes to self-nurturing, it’s not just the thought that counts.  Choose a beautiful basket or stocking and fill with lots of small goodies, and savour one treat each day beginning on the 13^th December. Ideas include some fancy soap, expensive chocolate, fresh fruit, bath goodies, massage oil, hairbrush…

I started this a few years ago, and look forward to shopping for my little treats, and then I enjoy dipping into my basket each day to select my gift.

9.  Another great idea from Sarah Ban Breathnach is to have a month long Christmas classic cinema celebration.  Start your own collection or borrow from the many wonderful festive films.  How about White Christmas, Miracle on 34^th Street, It’s a wonderful life…?  Grab a mince pie, a festive drink, put your feet up and enjoy!

10.  Write the name of someone where your relationship is not as good as you would like, and ask yourself 3 questions.

What do I like about you?

What do I love about you?

What are your positive aspects?

Try to appreciate that person, and your relationship can change.

When was the last time you read a book, for fun?  I had an aha moment last week, when I realised that although I read a lot, (and by that I mean, listen to lots of audio books on my ipod) it’s been an awfully long time since I’ve read a book, just for the fun of it.  Normally I’m reading a book, or listening to a course, because I want to learn something or be inspired.  Nothing wrong with that, at all, but reading for fun can be a real joy, and I’ve got out of the habit.

Over the years I’ve bought a number of weekly collectable CDs with accompanying magazine.  I have 75 Classic books on CD, 105 Classical Music CDs covering all of the great composers, 24 of the great Operas, and 75 Great Musicals.  And for many years they have sat there on my CD shelves.   I’ve dipped into them every now and then, and my goal for too many years has been to listen to every one of them.

Well, this weekend I made a choice to prioritise my reading for fun.  I walk our puppy every morning in the woods for just under an hour.  I’m usually accompanied by my ipod and listen to an inspiring interview, or a philosophers Note.  But on Saturday, I chose to make a slight change to my daily ritual.

I’m now working my way through my Classic books.  Each Book is abridged and the recording lasts for about 2 1/2 hours.  So my goal is to listen to one book every two days.  On Saturday I listened to Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, read by Martin Shaw and Lindsay Duncan.  Then on Sunday and Monday I listened to one of my favourite books (read for O level) Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte read by Hannah Gordon, and then this morning I began Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier and read by Jenny Agutter with Simon Williams.

Audio books are great.  As children we all love being read to by our parents, and there’s something wonderful about being read to as an adult too!!  As the talented actors read the different parts they breathe a life into each of the characters which adds depth to the printed word.  My audios are only abridged, so at a later date, I’ll be adding the actual books to my Amazon basket, probably followed by the DVD’s too, but for now I just love this escape into classic literature.

So, do you read for fun?  What could you do today that could begin or continue a love of reading and a simple joy of getting lost in a book?  Whether it’s on a kindle, an audio book or an actual book doesn’t matter.  How about reading a book a month, and committing today to just 5 minutes of reading the book that you’ve been meaning to read for too long?  Then increase to two books a month, etc…  If you don’t think you have time, take a look at how much time you spend watching TV, or interacting on social media.  You may be able to find a few minutes that you could choose to use for reading instead.

Day 60 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Flow ~ Mihaly Csikszenthmihalyi

“It is not enough to know how to do it; one must do it, consistently, in the same way as athletes or musicians must keep practicing what they know in theory.”

I’ve just started working through a course “Rock Your Goddess Life” by Alexandra Jaye Johnson that I began in 2010.  The current module that I’m working on is nutrition: relearning the importance of drinking plenty of water, eating more fruit and vegetables, eating less junk…   It’s not rocket science, we all know that these are just some of the more sensible choices we could be making each and every day, if we want to ensure healthier lives.

But “knowing” what we should be doing isn’t going to give us the healthy body we desire.  The tough bit is that we have to actually “do” something about it.  So this week I’ve selected two simple rituals that I’m going to “do”.  I’ve started to write in a daily food diary, to see exactly what I’m eating, and see how the food I eat affects my mood and my energy. I’m also consciously drinking more water: starting my day with a glass, drinking a glass of water before I have a tea or coffee, and ensuring that I drink the minimum that I’ve decided on for that day.  Such simple baby steps aren’t going to change my body over night, but I like to take a “baby steps” approach, simply adding one or maybe two rituals into my day and practicing them until they become a part of my daily routine.

So what one thing could you introduce into your day that would improve your nutrition?  How about beginning now?

Day 59 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Emotional Intelligence ~ Daniel Goleman

“Just imagine you’re four years old, and someone makes the following proposal: If you’ll wait until after he runs an errand, you can have two marshmallows for a treat. If you can’t wait until then, you can have only one—but you can have it right now. It is a challenge sure to try the soul of any four-year-old, a microcosm of the eternal battle between impulse and restraint, id and ego, desire and self-control, gratification and delay. Which of these choices a child makes is a telling test; it offers a quick reading not just of character, but of the trajectory that child will probably take through life.”

Our ability to control our impulses are a fundamental quality that will determine our path through life.  Would you wait for two marshmallows?   Do you give into the impulse to eat the dessert, when you’re not really hungry,  rather than sticking to your healthy eating plan.  Do you buy something, because you really want it, even though you don’t actually have the funds to pay for it?

I know in some respects I’m pretty impulsive, especially when I know something doesn’t feel right, whether it’s a relationship or a job.  Once I know that something doesn’t feel right, I tend to take action, immediately.  I’m happy to say that following my instincts has always worked out for the best in this respect.

However, in the area of giving into those impulses to eat and buy stuff, I know I need to work harder on my self control!  It’s the choice between the short term gratification and the long term goal.  Being clear on what you want, and why you want it will give strength to your goal, and then it’s a case of building your own self control muscle.  Every time you make the right choice, you’re building that muscle until it’s no longer a struggle.  So I’m making a start, the credit card is going in my drawer (not quite ready to cut it up) and I’ll be more conscious of the food that I’m bringing into my home.

What will you do today to build your self control?

Day 58 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Authentic Happiness ~ Martin Seligman

“‘What is the good life?’ In my view, you can find it by following a startlingly simple path. The ‘pleasant life’ might be had by drinking champagne and driving a Porsche, but not the good life. Rather, the good life is using your signature strengths every day to produce authentic happiness and abundant gratification.”

Do you have all the trappings of a “successful” life, but still feel as though something is missing in your life?  While all the nice things make our life more pleasurable, you can live an even happier life if you first discover and then use your signature strengths daily.

Martin Seligman’s website (click here) provides The Authentic Happiness Testing Center which contains a wealth of questionnaires that you might like to look at, in particular, his “VIA Survey of Character Strengths”.  You will need to allow yourself up to an hour to work through this comprehensive list of questions, but the outcome is that you will obtain a report listing your top five Signature Strengths.

So what are your five Signature Strengths?  My top six, if you’re interested are:

• Gratitude
• Hope, Optimism and Future mindedness
• Love of learning
• Forgiveness and Mercy
• Kindness and Generosity
• Capacity to love and be loved

Once you’ve determined your signature strengths Martin advises:

“If you can find a way to use your signature strengths at work often, and also see your work as contributing to the greater good, you have a calling.”

So what could you do to ensure that you are living your Authentic Happiness by living these strengths every day?  I’ll be working on this, this week.

Day 57 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Think and Grow Rich ~ Napoleon Hill

“The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small amount of fire makes a small amount of heat. If you find yourself lacking in persistence, this weakness may be removed by building a stronger fire under your desires.”

How many times have you started a healthy eating plan or a fitness regime only to pause part way through the program?  A few?  I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve lost the plot and not met my goal.

The answer according to Napoleon Hill lies in the weakness of our desire to reach our goal.  So on a scale of 1 – 10, how high is your desire to reach your goal?  (Where 1 is not at all bothered and 10 you are totally committed to achieving your goal, and nothing, absolutely nothing will deter you from it)

If we know what we want, for example, a healthier body, a better job, increased income, a new or improved relationship….. but we don’t seem to achieve our goal, then one way to build a stronger desire is to consider “why” we want something.  As we dig deeper and deeper into why we want something, we give the desire more and more focus and energy and so we gain greater clarity and add more power to our thoughts about what we want.

So if your desire to slim down is because you‘d like to buy a smaller clothes size, is this “why” strong enough to ensure you maintain your healthy eating habits?  Alternatively, if you want to slim down because you want to feel energetic, strong, alive and confident, would this “why” be more important to you than tucking into that dessert that looks so delicious?

So what goal are you focused on achieving at the moment?  Why is it so important for you to achieve it?  Or in the words of Don Henley “How bad do you want it?  Not bad enough?”

Day 56 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Seven Spiritual laws of Success ~ Deepak Chopra

“But first, you have to practice stillness. Stillness is the first requirement of manifesting your desires, because in stillness lies your connection to the field of pure potentiality that can orchestrate an infinity of details for you.”

The practice of stillness or meditation is so important that many of the great teachers talk about including it in your daily rituals.  So do you have a daily practice?

At its simplest, meditation is taking time out of your busy day to sit still, be quiet, to breath and tune into your inner wisdom.  You could also experience this stillness by spending time in nature, by the sea or in woodland, or by taking a long soak in the bath.  How or where you choose to find this stillness is not important, but establishing a set time every day for your practice is.

If you are new to meditation then you might like to click here for the next free 21 day meditation challenge run by the Chopra Centre Meditation.  I love their meditations, they are very short, about 15 minutes per day, and you get to be part of a global experience as everyone who signs up is listening to the same recording each day.

Day 55 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Science of Getting Rich ~ Wallace D Wattles

“Do not give your creative impulse to Original Substance, and then sit down and wait for results; if you do, you will never get them. Act now. There is never any time but now, and there never will be any time but now. If you are ever to begin to make ready for the reception of what you want, you must begin now.”

As a Law of Attraction coach, I spend a lot of time focusing on what I want to be, do and have, and encourage my clients to do the same.  The longer we focus on what we want, the quicker it will be attracted into our lives.

However, we also need to take inspired action to reach our goals.  As we focus more and more on what we want, and listen to our inner wisdom, we will attract thoughts that will guide us to take action to move us closer to our goal.  When you get a thought that requires action, don’t ignore it, this is your nudge to take action.  Not tomorrow, not next week, do it now!

So if you need help in some area of your life, and the resource you need jumps into your awareness, maybe you should follow up on it.  If you’re thinking of improving your health and you see a new exercise class advertised, why not check it out?  This could be just the class you need.  If you meet someone at an event and you feel a connection, arrange that coffee and take the time to get to know them.  This could be the beginning of a new client relationship or friendship.  If you’ve been invited to go out with friends, and you just don’t feel like it, but you still feel  drawn to attending, then go!   You may be looking for your soulmate, and they are going to be there waiting to meet you.

Don’t just sit there thinking, take action too, now!

Day 54 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Diamond Cutter ~ Geshe Michael Roach

“The Tibetan wise men say that this should be the last part of your silent time in the morning: picturing yourself as the most successful, and wise, and compassionate person you can imagine. Take a few minutes in the about-to-get-noisy silence just before you get up off the couch, and really work hard to see yourself as you could be. It plants a very strong imprint in your mind to get that way some time. You’ll see.”

Meditation is a topic that’s talked about by all the great teachers, and it’s something that I’ve built into my daily ritual.  As soon as the alarm goes off in the morning, I begin my meditation practice.  What about you?  Do you have some time every day when you sit quietly and calm your mind?

The law of attraction says that what you chose to focus on will be attracted into your life, so whenever you take time to focus on what you want to be, do and have, this will initially shift your vibration and then as you focus more it will help you to attract it.

So who do you want to be?  Compassionate, kind, generous, abundant, loving, successful….Why not add a few minutes to your meditation time and just visualise yourself as that person.  Not only will it feel great trying on those qualities now, but the more time you focus on these qualities, the quicker you will begin to be that person.

Day 53 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Spiritual Economics ~ Eric Butterworth

“Faith is expectancy. You do not receive what you want; you do not receive what you pray for, not even what you say you have faith in. You will always receive what you actually expect.”

Is there something that you want in your life that you don’t have yet?  Are you frustrated because you keep focusing on what you want, but the Law of Attraction doesn’t seem to be delivering it to you?

One of the essential parts of the manifestation process is that we must believe that we can have what we want.  If we want to attract new clients to our business for example, but we don’t believe that we’re good enough, or we don’t expect that it will happen, then it won’t.  If we want a new job but we expect that we’ll just get rejected again, then that’s what will happen.  If we want to find a new relationship, but we expect that we’ll just meet another load of losers, then that’s what we’ll get.  Can you see the common thread?

You have to have believe or expect that you can have what you want, and then it will happen!  So what five things do you expect to happen or receive in the next month? Write it down in your journal, and imagine how you will feel when you receive what you want.  Now write down what inspired action you can take to bring each thing to you.

Day 52 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Secrets of the Millionaire Mind ~ T Harv Eker

“‘It’s better to give than to receive.’ Let me put this as elegantly as possible: ‘What a crock!’ That statement is total hogwash, and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s usually propagated by people and groups who want you to give and them to receive. The whole idea is ludicrous. What’s better, hot or cold, big or small, left or right, in or out? Giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin. Whoever decided that it is better to give than to receive was simply bad at math. For every giver there must be a receiver, and for every receiver there must be a giver.”

The subject of giving has come up a lot in the last few days, on  various emails and with my clients.  It is important that we all give to others.  Whether it’s our time, our energy or our money.  However, it is equally important that we are able to receive!

I remember attending a course on “Assertiveness” while I was living in Sydney Australia back in 1990.  A few weeks into the course our small group of about ten people were each given a pack of post it notes and a pen.  We were instructed to write down a compliment or positive stroke for each person in the group, and then post the note on their back.  We each collected our notes and read what had been written about us.  Within the group we then discussed the notes.

So many people in the group felt really uncomfortable receiving compliments!!  But isn’t it strange?   Most of us so readily accept criticism every day, and yet if someone compliments us, we deflect is so quickly.  When was the last time your partner or a friend complimented you on your hair?  or on an outfit?  or about your home?  Did you answer with a flippant ““oh I’ve had this outfit for years”, or  “it’s not the home I want, but I suppose it will do for now?”

If you spent an afternoon and your hard earned money selecting and buying a gift for a friend and they were unable to accept the gift from you, do you think you would buy them a gift again?  Fairly unlikely, I would think.  So the next time you have the opportunity to receive, why not smile and say “Thank you”?  Whether it’s a penny on the floor, a smile, a gift, a compliment, a new client, learn how to Receive.

And here’s a passage from Kahlil Gibran’s beautiful book, The Prophet which echoes this idea:

“You are good when you strive to give of yourself. Yet you are not evil when you seek gain for yourself. For when you strive for gain you are but a root that clings to the earth and sucks at her breast. Surely the fruit cannot say to the root, ‘Be like me, ripe and full and ever giving of your abundance.’ For to the fruit giving is a need as receiving is a need to the root.”

So what will you do today that will show everyone around you and the Universe that you are ready to receive everything that is available to you?

Day 51 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Rich Dad, Poor Dad ~ Robert Kiyosaki

 “One dad had a habit of saying, ‘I can’t afford it.’ The other dad forbade those words to be used. He insisted I say, ‘How can I afford it?’”

Is there something that you would like in your life, and you keep telling yourself that you can’t afford it?  Maybe you’d love to buy a new outfit, enjoy a lovely meal at a restaurant, buy some furniture for your home, take a relaxing holiday, or invest in some coaching to help you take your business to the next level or move through your grief.

How do you feel when you think the thought “I can’t afford it?”  Chances are you won’t feel great.  You may feel sad, disappointed, angry, disempowered or even depressed that you want something and you believe that you can’t have it.

The law of attraction says that what you focus on you attract into your life.  And when you think you can’t afford something, you’re focusing on the lack of that “thing” in your life.   So guess what, if you keep thinking the same thought,  you’ll keep getting more and more of the same.  More lack.

So this powerful question from Robert Kiyosaki can lead to a huge shift in our lives.  If you really want something, change the thought in your head to “How can I afford it?”.  Rather than feeling a victim because you can’t have what you want, this powerful question will move you to be a creator of your life, when you realise that you can have whatever you want, you just have to explore how!

I remember a story about a man who was a lorry driver and wanted to send his daughter to college.  After thinking about how he could afford to do this, he realised that if he ceased his daily habit of buying a coffee from a popular coffee shop he could pay for his daughters college eductaion.  Wow!!  I know which one I’d prefer to spend my money on.  So whatever you want, “How can you afford to have it?”

Day 50 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Money, and the Law of Attraction ~ Esther and Jerry Hicks

“So the Pivoting Process is simply: Whenever you recognize that you are feeling a negative emotion (it is really that you are feeling the lack of harmony with something that you want), the obvious thing for you to do is to stop and say, I’m feeling negative emotion, which means I am not in harmony with something that I want. What do I want?”

I ran my first “Nurture Your Soul”  Spa Experience in August, and as I put on my dress that morning, I realised, unfortunately that it was rather more snug than when I bought it.  I began to feel frustrated, disappointed, and annoyed with myself that I’d clearly put on a few pounds, and I felt slightly less confident wearing my dress that day.  I was feeling negative emotion because I was focused on a range of thoughts like “I don’t want this dress to feel tight.  I don’t want to put on weight.   I don’t want to feel fat”.  

The law of attraction says that what we focus on will attract more of the same into our lives.  So if I had continued to think about all the things I didn’t want in relation to my body, guess what, I’d keep getting the same results.  So instead, as soon as I started to feel these negative emotions, I knew that I had to change my thoughts using the pivot process.  So I asked myself, “What do I want instead?”  I want to release weight.  I want to look good in my clothes, and naked come to that!  I want to feel healthy.  I want to feel great in my body. I want to feel confident.  So as I began to focus on what I wanted, I was inspired into positive action and I instantly felt better!!  Within a few days I started my power walking daily ritual and am happy to say that I’ve now been walking for nearly five weeks.  I know that my current body is a result of all the negative thoughts I’ve been thinking in the past, and I also know that the more positive thoughts I’m having now and the positive action I’m taking will result in a body that I want in the future.

So what negative emotions have you felt today?  Take some time to write down in your journal what you are feeling, and think about what thoughts are causing you to have that feeling.  Are you focused on something that you don’t want?  If so, try this simple pivot process and think about what you want instead.  The more you focus on a better feeling thought, you will feel your emotions shift towards something more joyful.

Day 49 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on It’s not about the Money ~ Brent Kessel

“Just like yoga, prayer, meditation, physical exercise, intellectual learning, or watering seeds of love in a marriage, cultivating financial awareness is a lifelong practice that can yield incredible results.”

I’ve just started power walking again after a break of a few years.  I still have an intention to power walk the London Marathon in less than six hours, which would knock six minutes off my previous best time in the Playtex Moonwalk in 2002.  I know that it’s going to take me a while to build up my stamina and fitness to achieve this goal, so I’ve started with a 12 week program which takes baby power walking steps to increase my daily walking from 15 minutes up to an hour.

I know that when I achieve this goal, I will feel amazing.  I’ll be proud of my achievement; I’ll feel fit, healthy and alive.  However, I’m also loving the way my body feels now, every time I walk.  Those feelings of health and vitality exist every day.  I don’t have to wait until I reach that goal to experience these feelings.  While my weight hasn’t reduced yet, which can always be a little disappointing, I know that it will happen in time, if I just stick to this daily ritual.  So I keep on cultivating this ritual, enjoying the daily practice, knowing that incredible results will follow in time.

Whether you want to improve your financial situation, the health and fitness of your body or a relationship, it doesn’t just happen overnight.  The first step is to determine what you want your life to look like.  When you focus on why you want this result in your life and how you want to feel, you’ll be inspired to take action to reach your goals.  But don’t expect a quick fix.  It takes patience and diligence to achieve a goal.  Having a great attitude and belief in your goal is fundamental, but you have to keep taking those baby steps, again and again, even when you don’t feel like it.

If you can learn to love the journey on the way to your goal, then not only will you yield amazing results, but you’ll feel great getting there.  So what goal are you inspired to work towards?  What inspired action will you take today to reach it?

Day 48 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Harmonic Wealth ~ James Arthur Ray

“I recently toured the California wine country, and was fascinated to learn that in winemaking, the grapes are purposely stressed. Growers take care not to give the grapes much water, even though they raise them in full sunshine, purposely keeping shade to a minimum. The stress is intentional; it keeps grapes right on the border between survival and almost collapsing and dying because the grapes that survive the test make the finest wine. There’s a metaphor here: Don’t wish for an easier life. Wish to be at your finest. Just as the finest, most expensive wine comes from the grape that can stand the greatest resistance; you too will grow in direct proportion to the resistance you can sustain.”

So are you fed up with all the challenges that you have to deal with?  Would you give anything for an easy life?  Take a look at all the challenges that you’ve faced and come through.  Can you see that for each challenge that you’ve overcome there is some part of you that has become stronger?

Like you, I’ve had my fair share of challenges.  They were hard going at the time, but I can see that I am not the same person I was years ago.  I am far more empowered, more confident, more loving, more compassionate, and more appreciative as a consequence of my trials.

Just as fine diamonds and fine wines are created because they endure high pressure, you too will live your finest life as a result of surviving your challenges.  So before you wish your life was easier, appreciate that every challenge has given you the opportunity to become an even finer version of yourself, and maybe celebrate!  With a glass of fine wine of course!

Day 47 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Your Erroneous Zones ~ Dr Wayne W Dyer

“Guilt is the most useless of all erroneous behaviours. It is by far the greatest waste of emotional energy. Why? Because, by definition, you are feeling immobilised in the present over something that has already taken place, and no amount of guilt can ever change history.”

When my husband died Guilt was one of the most intense emotions that I felt for some time.

I had been trying to support my husband for over 15 years with his challenges, but had failed to “fix” him or our marriage.  When he took his life, there was part of me that blamed myself for not saving him from his fate.  There were others who blamed me, and I think still do, for his death.  Six months before his death I had taken my three children to live in a refuge, to escape domestic abuse which had been ongoing for many years.  While this step was a defining moment for me, as I moved from being a victim to taking responsibility and creating my life, it also appeared as though I was abandoning my husband and my marriage.

My guilt emerged from the judgement that I felt others were making of my actions, and also my own thoughts that if only I’d done this or if only I’d done that, he might still be alive.  But this guilt only served to eat away at me and keep me stuck in my grief and despair.  It took me some time to realise two important lessons.

I only have control of my own thoughts and actions.  I cannot control anybody else: my husband, a friend, a work colleague, or my child.  I cannot fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.  My work is to control my own thoughts and actions.  Other people’s actions are their business, not mine.  This is particularly hard, in respect of your spouse or a child.  But if we believe that we can control others, we will always fail and experience negative emotions as a consequence.

The second lesson was that feeling guilty serves no useful purpose.  I never wished for my husband to take his life. In fact, I had been pleading with him for 15 years not to take that course of action.  I can’t change what happened in the past.  So feeling guilty is pointless.  I still feel sadness and regret at what happened, but the guilt has gone.  Instead, I choose to focus on the many happy memories that I have of the 25 years with my husband, the three wonderful children we created, and the many lessons I learnt from our time together.

So are you feeling guilt after the  death of a loved one?  Do you feel that you should have done more?  Do you feel you should have spent more time with your loved one?  Were there words that you wished you’d said that you didn’t?  Take some time to think about the feeling of guilt.  Write in your journal anything that comes up for you.  Simply increasing your awareness and acknowledging your feelings, by writing your thoughts down, is the first step in helping you feel some relief from this feeling.

Day 46 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on You can Heal your Life ~ Louise Hay

“When people come to me with a problem, I don’t care what it is—poor health, lack of money, unfulfilling relationships, or stifled creativity, there is only one thing I ever work on, and that is LOVING THE SELF.  I find that as we really love and accept and APPROVE OF OURSELVES EXACTLY AS WE ARE, then everything in life works. It’s as if little miracles are everywhere. Our health improves, we attract more money, our relationships become much more fulfilling, and we begin to express ourselves in creatively fulfilling ways. All this seems to happen without even trying.”

Photo Source: Tabora Green, The True Confidence Teacher

Day 45 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Trust your Vibes ~ Sonia Choquette

“Not only is being physically grounded a solid requirement for tuning in to your vibes, it’s also an instant antidote for obsession or worry. Whenever you find yourself overly concerned or unable to stop thinking about something, immediately go outside and walk; or better yet, run around the block to disrupt the toxic trance you’re in. I’ve never known anyone to find answers from thinking things to death, but I have known people who gained peaceful insights and grand solutions while strolling through the park.”

Walking outside has been and continues to be one of the cornerstones of my daily practice.  I’m blessed to live very close to Hook Common.  When I moved here 3 ½ years ago, six months after my husbands death, I began a daily practice of power walking through the woods.  Fast forward to today, and I now take a brisk walk in the woods every morning with Poppy, our jack russel puppy.

The combination of watching Poppy scampering around in the woods, the fresh air, sunshine/rain/snow, nature, horses, deer, cattle, and a brisk walk ALWAYS brightens my mood.  If I’m feeling a bit low before I start, I’m noticeably chirpier when I get home, and if I’m already having a good day, that good feeling is intensified further.

If you don’t have convenient access to nature, then why not combine a walk round the block from your home or office, and maybe look at uplifting pictures from nature as well?  Yesterday I bought my wall calendar for next year “Seasonal Britain” and later today I’ll be sticking the lovely pictures of Daffodils, Bluebells, Sunflower fields on my bookcases in my study, so that I’m surrounded by natures beauty while I’m working.  I also recommend my friend Tabora Green, the True Confidence Teacher.  Her inspiring Facebook fanpage has many beautiful photos of nature.  You might like to take a look.

So how will you include a daily walk, cycle or run outside today?  Add a touch of nature to the mix and you’re bound to feel great!

Day 44 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Tony Robbins

“Who will you have to become to achieve all you want?”

Imagine a future happy celebration.  It might be your retirement from work, your 50^th Wedding Anniversary, your 70^th Birthday.  Take a few minutes to close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to really imagine what you want to have achieved at this milestone in your life.

Will you have built a successful business, giving your gifts to the world, making a contribution in your community, serving others and generating abundant wealth?

Will you have created a loving, supportive extended family, with children, grandchildren, nephews, nieces?

Will you have enjoyed a loving marriage where you and your spouse have been able to grow in your own creativity while sharing happy memories and experiences?

Will you be surrounded by wonderful friends, who bring you joy, inspire you and are always fun to be with?

Write down what you would love to achieve by this milestone.  Then ask yourself the question “Who do you have to become to achieve all of this”?  Write down some steps that you could take to become that person now.

Do you need to be courageous and leave your current corporate job to follow your life’s passion and start your own business?

Do you need to listen more to your children?  Do you need to drag yourself away from your work and spend more time with family members deepening your connection with them?

Do you need to be more loving with your spouse?  Do you need to turn the tv off and spend some time together, talking, doing things you enjoy together?

Do you need to be a more positive joyful friend to those around you?

Taking time to write in your journal will help you gain more clarity on what you want to achieve, and who you want to become.  The more you focus on who you want to be, the more likely it is that you will become that person and hence achieve all that you desire.  I’d love to know what you discover.

 

Day 43 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Thresholds of the Mind ~ Bill Harris

“Whatever the technique, the effect on the brain is substantially the same: synchronization of the two brain hemispheres—and after much practice, an experience of connection with the rest of the universe, accompanied by profound inner peace and happiness. Any kind of focusing will bring about a degree of brain synchronization. The greater the focus, the greater the synchronization, and the deeper the meditative state.”

I’m sure you know that our brains have a right and left hemisphere, the left being more logical and analytical and the right more holistic and intuitive.  But did you know that for most of us, these two hemispheres are out of balance?  The greater the unbalance, the greater our feelings of separation and this is where we feel more stress, anxiety and isolation in our lives.  However, one of the benefits of adopting a daily ritual of meditation in your life is that it helps to synchronise these two hemispheres, which means that you find a level of peace and happiness that were missing in your life before.

I hadn’t really thought about meditation until I was introduced to ‘Holosync’ by Brian Johnson in his note on “Thresholds of the Mind” . I bought the first cds back in 2009, downloaded them onto my ipod and then simply put on my headphones to listen.  Beginning with just 30 minutes a day, I began a daily ritual which I’ve now been doing for over 3 years.  I can certainly confirm that this ritual has made a big difference in my life.  Things that used to bother me no longer have the same effect on me.  I am much calmer, and certainly in spite of the losses that I’ve suffered in my life, my happiness is so much greater than before adopting this practice.

There are many meditation products available, and I have a number of favourites that I rotate through according to my preference.  But which ever you choose, why not begin a daily practice today?  Begin with 5 minutes, or even just 1, and see what a difference it can make in your life.  One of my clients was finding it difficult to fit the practice into her day, so she chose to spend 5 minutes of her daily tram ride to work practicing her meditation.  Pick a time of day that suits you, write the appointment in your daily diary, and just do it,  for 30 days.  Let me know how you get on.

Day 42 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Way of the Superior Man ~ David Deida

“A man must be prepared to give 100% of his purpose, fulfill his karma or dissolve it, and then let go of that specific form of living. He must be capable of not knowing what to do with his life, entering a period of unknowingness and waiting for a vision or a new form of purpose to emerge. These cycles of strong specific action followed by periods of not knowing what the hell is going on are natural for a man who is shedding layers of karma in his relaxation into truth.”

Although this book is written for men, this quote seems to me equally applicable to women too.

When I was a teenager I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to be, and what work I wanted to do.  All I knew was that I loved Mathematics.  So when I took my O levels, and achieved good grades, I continued my love of the Sciences and Mathematics, by studying them further at A level, and then I went on to study Mathematics at Bristol University.  I still didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I became an Accountant, it seemed the most logical step.

I can’t say I was passionate about this work, but I learnt a lot, I met some great people, and it gave me the opportunity to work in many businesses, and travel the world and live in Sydney, Australia.

When my husband and I chose to start a family, we were both in agreement that I would take a career break to raise our family.  After a break of about 10 years, when I did return to work, I found that I was clearer about what I didn’t want to be doing in my work, and therefore what I did want.  I wanted part time work that was interesting, that I could work around my children, and where I could make a difference.  This I achieved working as the Deputy Finance Bursar at Charterhouse School.  I loved my time there until 5 years later; I realised that I wasn’t feeling as passionate about it any longer.  This coincided with my husband’s death, and my need to take some time out to focus on healing from my grief and being more available to my children.

I know that part of my life purpose is to be the best mum I can be to my three children, and to help them deal with their grief over the loss of their wonderful dad.  I also knew that there was something else that I was meant to be doing with my life, but I had no idea what that was.  I knew I wanted to earn a living, I wanted to help women, and I wanted to run my own business.  I kept reading books which talked about finding and living your life purpose, and I kept asking “what is mine”?

Then I received an email about the Quantum Success Coaching Academy founded by Christy Whitman.  As soon as I watched the videos about the one year Life Coach course, I just knew that this was what I was meant to be doing.  I could use my experience and my journey of healing to help other women.  I could provide for my family by doing work I loved, and I would be responsible to myself for my successes, not to an employer.  It hasn’t been easy, and like many entrepreneurs starting out, there have been many moments that I’ve thought of giving up.  However, when I’m coaching my clients, when I’m running my Spa Experience workshops, I feel so passionate and alive, I just know that I’ve found my purpose.

So if you know that you’re not happy doing what you’re doing, and you feel as though you’re meant to be doing something else, don’t worry.  You will find your purpose.  Just keep doing things you love, and following that little trail of breadcrumbs, eventually you will reach your prize, your purpose.  You just have to be patient in those times when you just don’ t have a clue, and know that all will be come clear in the end.

Day 41 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Thrive Diet ~ Brendan Brazier

“Many people put up with things that are unpleasant but tolerable, rather than changing them; their situation needs to become unbearable before they take action. So, in effect, an unbearable job is better than one that is simply dissatisfying, since it will be the catalyst for change.”

Have you put on a few pounds?  Are your clothes a bit tight?  Are you feeling a bit fed up that your body is not in ideal shape?  Are you putting off exercise and healthy nutrition because you’re too busy with other things in your life?  It’s easy to just carry on with our lives the way they are, even if they’re not ideal.  The effort involved in making changes can sometimes be daunting, or we’re not sure where to start.  However, before we know it, the years have flown by, and those few pounds have become ten or twenty pounds.  We haven’t just gone up one dress size; we’re now a few away from where we’d like to be.

Contrast our inaction when we feel our current situation is ‘tolerable’, to what would happen if something more dramatic happened.  Imagine your lack of exercise, or poor nutrition resulted in a heart attack, a stroke or diabetes.  If you landed up in hospital with major health issues, then would you make your health a higher priority?  My guess is that more of us would take action in this situation.

So why wait?  What action could you take today, that would make your health a higher priority?  You don’t have to change everything all at once.  Try picking one area that you’d like to focus on, and think of the first baby step that you could take.  Maybe, its 1 minute of walking or doing some sit-ups.  Maybe you focus on drinking 1 cup of water today.  Maybe you eat one piece of fruit.  Maybe you eat one vegetable.  Think of one baby step that you could do today, and then, just do it for 30 days!   Imagine the improvement in your health if you made this a regular ritual for your health.

Similarly, if you’re stuck in grief after the loss of a loved one, or the end of a relationship, how long will you wait before you take some action to shift you out of it?  Try finding a support group, read an inspiring book, reach out to friends and family, or find a counsellor or coach to help you.  You can release your Grief, nurture your soul, and live your life of Profound Love and Joy, you just need to find the right resource for you.

Day 40 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Psychology of Winning ~ Dr Denis Waitley

“Most people spend more time planning a party, studying the newspaper, or making a Christmas list, than they do in planning their lives.”

So how much time do you spend reading the paper or magazines?  Do you spend weeks planning what you’ll buy for your friends and family each Christmas?  Do you spend months researching your next car, or major purchase?

Contrast this with the time you spend journalling about your ideal life and what you want it to look like.  Continuing the theme from yesterdays blog, picture what you want your ideal life to look like. Grab your journal and take some time out to consider the following.  If you had all the time and all the money in the world, what would your perfect day look like?

My day starts at 6 in the morning, as I begin my day with meditation.  I spend time with my children as they get ready for school.  It’s then time to walk our puppy poppy in the woods and then I swap walking boots for trainers and head off for my power walk down country lanes.  After a lovely energising shower, or relaxing bath I’m then ready to create.  I write my blogs, connect with clients, other coaches, design my programs and products.  A couple of times a week I disappear off to The Spa at the Four Seasons Hotel Hampshire for a few hours of relaxation.  I spend time each week deepening my relationships with friends, family, my children and my new man.

My life is great, but it didn’t just happened.  I have spent many hours thinking about what I want my life to look like, and taking action to bring it into my life.  When I split up with my exboyfriend in February, I still wanted to have that special someone in my life.  Using the coaching skills I’ve learnt, I worked out what I didn’t want in a relationship, and then determined what I did want.  I worked with a dating coach to guide and support me, and I am happy to say that I met a lovely man two months ago, who I’m getting to know, and having a great time with.  But he didn’t just fall into my lap.  It all started with thinking about what I wanted, and this man happens to meet nearly every single criteria that I’d written down!

I’m not saying my current life is perfect, there are still some things I’m working on.  But I appreciate every bit of it, I’m happy, and I created this life by taking the time to think about what I wanted to create.  So imagine your ideal day.  What does it look like?  Who else is in it?  Write it all down, and look at it daily.  This isn’t just an exercise for New Years Day.  The more you take time to focus on what you want, the quicker it will come into being.  So what will you create?

Day 39 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Success Principles ~ Jack Canfield

“One of the easiest ways to begin clarifying what you truly want is to make a list of 30 things you want to do, 30 things you want to have, and 30 things you want to be before you die. This is a great way to get the ball rolling.”

Are you floating through life, reacting to the challenges that you face?  Are you failing to live the life you want to have?  One of the reasons for this could be that you haven’t actually thought about and written down what it is that you want.

So, take out your journal and give yourself plenty of time to think about these questions.  Let yourself dream!! Don’t think about what you can afford, or what you think you deserve.  If you could live the life of your dreams, what would it look like?   I did this exercise before writing this blog, so here are a few of my ideas to get you started.

What do you want to have? 

What sort of house would you like to live in?  Where would you live, in the city, the country, by the sea?  Would you move to another country?  Who would live with you?  How would you furnish your home?

What sort of vehicles would you like?  A car or motorbike?  What sort?  How many?

What sort of job would you have?  Would you run your own business?

What do you want to do?

Are there any sporting challenges you’d love to take part in?

Are there books you’d like to read?  Is there music you’d like to listen to?  Concerts you’d like to attend?

Are there countries you’d like to visit?  Experiences you’d like to have?  Who would you share this with?

Who do you want to be?

How do you want to feel?  Fit, healthy, energetic?  Do you want to be happy, passionate, confident, appreciative, fun?

Do you want to be a wife, husband, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, and great friend?

Do you want to be an inspiring speaker?  What about a successful business owner?  Contributing to the world in your own unique way?

Have fun with this, and see if you can come up with at least 30 things you want to be, do and have.  I’d love to hear what came up for you when doing this exercise, and what action you’re going to take to make it happen!

Day 38 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire ~ Deepak Chopra

“The most enlightened people in the world embrace their full potential of light and dark. When you’re with people who recognize and own their negative qualities, you never feel judged by them. It’s only when people see good and bad, right and wrong, as qualities outside themselves that judgments occur.”

Are there certain people who just push your buttons?  Each time you spend time with them do you feel yourself becoming anxious, annoyed, irritated?  Maybe what you’re tuning into is a part of yourself that you don’t want to acknowledge, and this person is just reflecting this back at you.

We all have parts of our character that we like, and other parts that are there, but we try to hide, because we’re not proud that these exist within us.  But it’s important that we accept ourselves for the whole being that we are. Every single person has this light and dark, and until we acknowledge this we’ll continue to project our own issues onto other people.

So if a friend is always late, or cancels arrangements with you and you feel unappreciated by your friend, take a look at your own actions.  Is there some way that you are not valuing others around you?  If your partner is always criticising you or blaming you when things go wrong, are you guilty of the same act?  If your children don’t respect their home and belongings and it really annoys you, is there someway that you’re also not taking care of your own things?  When you’ve determined what your dark behaviour is, acknowledge it, and learn to accept it.  No one is perfect, and quite often there is some positive that comes from every aspect of our being.  Once you accept your own behaviour, you will find that you become less affected by this behaviour in others.

You might also find that someone else’s behaviour is reflecting back at you something that you know you should be doing, but you’re avoiding it for some reason.  If a work colleague has just got a promotion and you feel they don’t deserve it, maybe you haven’t done the required work yourself to earn that promotion.  If a friend is having great success in their business and you’re not overjoyed for them, maybe you’re not taking the required action to earn success in your own world.  If a friend has become trimmer and fitter through dedicated exercise and nutrition and you’re envious, maybe you need to look at your own life and see if there’s some action that you could be taking to improve your own body.

The things that cause us to feel bad are never anything to do with other people.  They are our own darkness that we have to bring out into the light, evaluate, and determine what action we choose to take.  We either accept or change our own behaviour.   So who rubs you up the wrong way?  What aspect of you, do you need to look at a bit closer?

Day 37 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Power of TED ~ David Emerald

“One of the fundamental differences between the Victim Orientation and this one [Creator] is where you put your focus of attention… For Victims, the focus is always on what they don’t want: the problems that seem constantly to multiply in their lives. They don’t want the person, condition, or circumstance they consider their Persecutor, and they don’t want the fear that leads to fight, flee or freeze reactions, either. Creators, on the other hand, place their focus on what they do want. Doing this, Creators still face and solve problems in the course of creating outcomes they want, but their focus remains fixed on their ultimate vision.”

Many of us unconsciously play the role of victim in our lives.  Do you feel that someone else or something else has control over your life, and you’re powerless to change it? Then I’m afraid you’re being a victim.  The persecutor, in whatever form it comes, pushes you into victim mode, and you then look to someone or something else to rescue you from the situation.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but I spent most of my marriage living as a victim.  I felt I was being persecuted by my husband, as he tried to deal with his own demons, and I felt powerless to do anything about my situation.  I tried many types of counselling, but every time I hit a brick wall.  I knew I was extremely unhappy, as was my husband, but I felt trapped in my life with no way out.  I knew that I didn’t want the life I was living, but I didn’t know what I could do about it.  As with most victims I wanted to be rescued from my situation, and I turned to food, to make me feel better.  It didn’t solve anything, I put on weight, although it did help me feel better in the moment.

Then one day, I woke up.  Instead of feeling unable to change my life, I decided to start focusing on what I did want.  For me, the first step was leaving my husband, marriage and home and taking my 3 children to live in a refuge.  I slowly began to take responsibility for the part that I was playing in my marriage.  I had allowed my husband to treat me in a way that was not that of a loving husband.  I finally stood up for myself, and my actions showed him that I would no longer tolerate this treatment, and I deserved to be treated better.

I have certainly faced more problems since taking this step.  Sadly my husband chose to take his life six months after I left him, which has led to other challenges.  However, I keep focusing on what I want to achieve in my life time, and this focus on my vision helps me to move forward in my life.  I am one of the happiest people I know.  I have three wonderful children, I love the work I do, and I have made so many new friends since taking responsibility for my life as well as deepening existing friendships.   I would never have chosen for my husband to end his life, but I have come to accept his actions.  I am now creating my life as I want it, rather than living a life dictated to me by other people and circumstance.

So are you blaming or criticising someone or something for unhappiness in your life?  What is it that you’re getting that you don’t want?  What do you want instead?  What could you do to start creating your life, rather than being a victim?

The summer holidays are over and my three children start to return to school tomorrow.  I was up at 6 this morning (a bit of a shock to the system after six weeks of lazy mornings) and enjoyed a wonderful meditation, before getting my son up and rehearsing his new school routine.  I then took our puppy for a walk in the woods for an hour, while listening to an inspiring interview on my ipod.  When I got home I replaced my walking boots with trainers and set off for my morning power walk, Shania Twain on the ipod, and sun shining as I walked through local country lanes.  Home for a lovely relaxing bath, and then time to write this blog.  These wonderful daily rituals nurture my soul and I now feel ready for whatever the day throws at me.

Contrast this lovely morning with 4 years ago.  I was in hospital and was informed in the afternoon that my husband Simon had taken his life.  I remember the sounds that came from my body as the news hit me, like an animal in intense pain.  The poor women that were on the ward with me must have wondered what on earth was going on, with the din that I must have made.  That afternoon I phoned members of our families to tell them the news, and worst still break the news to my 3 children who were 7, 9 and 11 at the time.  I was so ill that the hospital refused to let me go home that day, and I was unable to comfort my children that night.

Anniversaries are always hard, and I’ve shed a few tears today.  But that’s ok!  I know I’m nearing the end of my supply.  There is still sadness at the loss of my husband, but I have accepted his death, and I have been able to move through my grief and live a good life.

While there were challenges in our marriage, we were together for 25 years.   He was a wonderful man, and no matter what happened towards the latter part of our relationship, I miss the man I met and fell in love with all those years ago.  He was a fantastic dad to our children, and we had many happy times together in the early years.   I know he would be very proud of our children and my biggest sadness is always that he is not here for them, to celebrate their achievements and spend time with them.

Every year as my children begin their new school year, we are reminded of his death and his absence from our lives.  The grief and pain was acute in the early days, but time does ease these feelings.  Now I look forward to the future, excited for my children and what they will experience and achieve in their lives.

I have so much to be grateful for.  I’m grateful that Simon took great pride in providing for his family, both in his life and after his death, so we are blessed to live in a lovely home.  I have three wonderful children, and I have leant so much from parenting them.  I have a supportive family, and many friends, old and new, who have been there for me and continue to provide friendship and support.   I have found my purpose in life, working with other women who have suffered loss, and I love that I get to work from home, around my family, while working with wonderful women from around the world.

If you’ve suffered loss, and you’re finding it a challenge, I hope that this blog offers you hope.  It does get better, you can learn to accept your loss, and it is possible to live an amazing life.  I believe that you can learn to Release your Grief, Nurture your soul, and Live a life of Profound Love and Joy.  If I can help you in anyway please reach out to me.

In August I gave my first “Nurture Your Soul” Spa Experience from The Spa at Four Seasons Hotel Hampshire.  I spent the day with a wonderful client, and I’m not sure who enjoyed the day more, me or her.  I felt so passionate about what I was teaching her during the day, and from her comments on the day and her subsequent testimonial it was clear that she had thoroughly enjoyed the experience and learnt many tools to help her feel relief from her grief.

However, one of the most wonderful things about this first workshop was that my client was gifted this experience from one of her close friends.  Her friend had heard of my workshops and wanted to give something to my client that would help her move through her loss.  She contacted me to discuss and organise the experience for my client.  My client was touched by the genuine love and support that her friend was offering in organising this day for her.  She also got to experience a fabulous day of learning and pampering that she possibly would not have thought to arrange for herself.

When you’ve experienced loss, there is a period of time where you are purely in survival mode.  Just living from day to day, just trying to get through the day.  Everything is an effort.  The fact that you’ve got out of bed and got dressed is sometimes a huge achievement!!  And if you’ve managed to get your kids to school, fully clothed with all their books and pe kit, then you’ve really climbed a mountain!  You are so busy just trying to make it through the day that you don’t even consider thinking about the future, or outside your usual daily routine.

As a loving friend or family member to someone who has suffered loss, I’m sure you dearly want to help them but you may not know how.  Over the months and years that your loved one is grieving, you might buy flowers and gifts, spend time listening, try and encourage them to get out, cheer up, and get on with their life.

However, if you want to help your friend or family member through their loss, you might like to consider gifting my Spa Experience to your loved one.  If there are a group of you, you could each make a contribution to the cost.  Your loved one will spend their day in a first class pampering environment, learning tools to help them feel relief from their grief while making new friends with other women who understand how they are feeling.

Click here to find out how you can give a gift of love and friendship to help your loved one nurture their soul.  Alternatively email me on Maxine@thelifeescapologist.com or call me on 01256 765435 to discuss further.

Day 36 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Power of Now ~ Eckhart Tolle

“Accept—then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”

So are you suffering because of loss in your life?  Are you focused on the lack of someone or something?  Take a few deep breaths and then consider how you would feel if you had chosen this loss.

If you’re struggling to accept that your husband/boyfriend has left you, how would you feel if you had been the one to choose to end the relationship?

If a loved one has died, how would you feel if you’d chosen for them to die?  I know this one isn’t easy, but see how you feel if you can just allow yourself to consider the thought.

If you’ve lost your job, how would you feel if you’d resigned because you wanted to leave?

If you’ve lost significant financial assets, for whatever reason, how would you feel if you’d chosen to give those assets away?

How would it feel if you’d chosen to take this path of loss in your life?  Can you feel some relief from your suffering with this different perspective?  Is there some tiny flicker of curiosity or excitement that you get to draw a line under your experience so far, and recreate your future just as you want it?

If you can just be open to the possibility of accepting the present moment as it is,  you can take your first step to releasing your grief.  What one thing could you try to accept today that would allow you to move on and live your life of Profound Love and Joy?

Day 35 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Power of Intention ~ Dr Wayne W Dyer

“Act as if everything you desire is already here… treat yourself as if you already are what you’d like to become.”

Are you struggling to deal with the loss of a relationship?  Do you feel the loneliness of being alone?  Would you prefer to be in relationship with someone new?  Rather than focus on the lack of someone special, try acting as if you already have someone new in your life.  Who would you be if you were in a truly happy relationship?  Would you be happy, confident, walk with a swing in your step, take time to wear nice clothes, style your hair, do activities you love?  Why wait until you’re in a new relationship, why not start to do those things now?  You’ll feel so much happier acting as if you’re the person you want to become, and there’s nothing more attractive than a happy, confident woman.

Are you stuck in grief from the loss of a loved one?  Do you feel lost without your soul mate, your parent, your child?  Have you had enough of feeling this way, and want to feel happy again?  Who would you be if you acted as if you had moved through your grief?  Would you spend more time with friends?  Would you go out more?  Would you learn a new language?  Would you move to live by the sea, countryside, or another country, because there’s no longer a reason to live where you do?  Would you learn a new skill that you’ve been meaning to learn for some time, but your partner discouraged you?  Try acting as if you have healed from your grief, and very soon you will feel relief from your grief.

Are you fed up with your overweight unfit body?  Would you like to be slimmer, fitter, healthier and more energetic?  What would you be doing if you were this version of yourself?  Would you prioritise exercise in your daily routine?  Would you drink more water?  Would you join a gym?  Would you leave the car at home and walk more?  Would you join a dance class?  Try acting as if you are already the healthier version of yourself right now, and you’ll soon find that you become that person.

Day 34 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Power of Full Engagement ~ Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz

“Television, for example, is one of the primary means by which most people relax and recover. For the most part, however, watching television is the mental and emotional equivalent of eating junk food. It may provide a temporary form of recovery, but it is rarely nutritious and it is easy to consume too much. Researchers such as Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi have found that prolonged television watching is actually correlated with increased anxiety and low-level depression.”

So what do you do to relax in the evening?  Do you find a comfy chair and zone out to mindless TV programs all night?  It’s easily done, most of us are tired from the stress of our day, and it’s tempting to just watch a bit of TV.  But before we know it a few hours have passed, we’ve eaten a few munchies, and maybe had some alcohol too.  If you counted how much TV you’ve watched this week, how many hours do you think would be a realistic estimate?  7, 14, 21, more?

Now think about all the things that you would really love to do, but you’ve never got enough time:  spending more time with your children; going out on a date with your husband/partner; reading a good book; taking a class; learning a language; visiting friends; playing a musical instrument; joining a choir; exercising;  getting a massage….

Just think about what you could achieve this week, and every week, if you pressed the “off” button on the remote, and chose to do something else instead.  The chances are that you’ll also reduce your levels of anxiety and low-level depression into the bargain.  So what are you waiting for?  What would you rather be doing instead of watching a talking box in your living room tonight?

Day 33 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Places that scare you ~ Pema Chödrön

“This is the path we take in cultivating joy: learning not to armor our basic goodness, learning to appreciate what we have. Most of the time we don’t do this. Rather than appreciate where we are, we continually struggle to nurture our dissatisfaction. It’s like trying to get flowers to grow by pouring cement on the garden.”

Are you feeling sadness, anger, frustration, depression because things aren’t going your way?  Are you so focused on all the things that are wrong in your life, that you’re not taking the time to focus on all the things that are right?

Being grateful, or appreciating all the good things in our life is such an important practice.  It’s as though each grateful thought plants a seed to create the most beautiful garden, rather than blaming, criticising and complaining about our lives and pouring cement which prevents our flowers from blossoming.

If a relationship has ended, could you feel appreciation for the friends that are still in your life?  The friends who are always at the end of the phone line, when you need someone to talk to.  The friends who will give you a hug when you need one.  The friends who will look after your children for a while to give you a break.  The friends who always lift your spirits, who make you laugh and smile.

If a loved one has died, could you appreciate all the happy times that you remember with that person?  Could you appreciate that they are no longer in pain?  Could you appreciate all the things you learnt from that relationship?

Within every struggle, there is a gift.  We just have to be open to appreciating the good, and opening our eyes to finding the silver lining in our cloud.

Day 32 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Path Of Least Resistance ~ Robert Fritz

“What do I want? … Whenever you are confused, you can become clear by asking and answering this question. Confusion usually comes from focusing on process, or solution, and not being able to see where you are going. When you are considering what you want, your ability to focus your attention toward desired results eliminates this confusion. When you are confused, it is usually not about where you want to go but how to get there. If you try to find a way to get there before you know where you want to go, naturally you can expect confusion to accompany your quest.”

Are you struggling to deal with feelings of grief from the end of a relationship?  Are you missing a loved one who has died?  Are you worried about your financial future as a result of the loss of a job?

When we feel these negative feelings it’s time to recognise that we are feeling this way because we’re focused on something we don’t want.  So notice what you’re feeling, accept those feelings and then ask yourself the simple question: What do I want?

I don’t want to be on my own; I want to have someone special in my life.

I miss my husband, my mother, my child, my friend; I want to have them in my life again.

I don’t know how I’m going to manage in the future now that I’ve lost my job; I want to have a job that I love that allows me to earn a good living.

Don’t worry about how you’re going to do this, for now just keep thinking about what you want.  And while you’re thinking about that, think about what you really, really want.   Not want you think you deserve, or what is possible, but what you truly desire.

“In order to conceive of what you truly want to create, you must separate what you want from what you think is possible.”

If you could have what you truly want, what would it be?  Allow yourself to dream big, don’t limit yourself.  Imagine, if anything was possible, what would you want and write it down.  Spend some time every day reading what you’ve written.  Don’t worry about your reality, keep focusing on what you want, and in time, you will start to feel better and you will begin to attract what you want into your life.

Day 31 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Other 90% ~ Robert K Cooper

“It’s easy to act as if you are a weathervane, always changing your beliefs and words, trying to please everyone around you. But we were born to be lighthouses, not weathervanes. Imagine a vertical axis running through the center of your heart, from your deepest roots to your highest aspirations. That’s your lighthouse. It anchors you in the world and frees you from having to change directions every time the weather shifts. Inside this lighthouse there is a lens and a light. The light represents who you are when nobody else is looking. That light was meant to keep shining, no matter how dark or stormy it gets outside… when you find that light inside you, you will know it. Don’t let anyone else dim it… and one more thing: remember to look for the light inside others. If at first you can’t see it, look deeper. It’s there.”

Do you find that you change your behaviour, your words or opinions depending on who you’re spending time with?  Is there some part of you that feels you’re not quite being true to who you are?

We are all unique people, and each one of has different values that define who we are.  Discovering what these are is an adventure in itself.   When we do know what we stand for, we must let that light shine.  Standing our ground could lose us some friends, some relationships, maybe a job.   But if we allow others opinions of us to dim our light then we are not in alignment with our true self, and the consequence of this will be negative feelings of frustration, irritation, maybe guilt or despair.

So what five values describe or define who you are and what you stand for?  What can you do today to let your light shine more?

(Mine are: Gratitude; Hope, optimism and future mindedness; Love of learning; Forgiveness and mercy; Kindness and generosity; and capacity to love and be loved. )

Day 30 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Now Habit ~ Neil Fiore

“You do have a choice. You don’t have to want to do the task, nor do you have to love it. But if you prefer it to the consequences of not doing it, you can decide to commit to it wholeheartedly. Once you decide you’re going to the office party, the gas station, or the gift shop, it makes sense for you to assert more positively and powerfully (like the powerful adult you are) that ‘I am going to the store; I will be at the dentist’s at 3:00 P.M.; I am going to traffic court this morning.’”

I don’t enjoy doing housework, there are so many things I’d rather be doing.  However, I do like living in a clean, tidy, welcoming home.  So when I woke up this morning and wandered into my kitchen, I knew that action was called for.  So after an hour of tidying, cleaning, sweeping, hovering and dusting the whole of the downstairs of my house is looking lovely, and I’m now looking forward to spending time in this space.

Do you feel that you should do some exercise, but you really don’t want to?  The consequence of taking some time to prioritise your health is that you will feel better, your mood will lift, and you’ll improve your fitness, strength and flexibility.  The consequence of not taking time to exercise is that your body, the only one you’ve got, may not be able to give your the long, active, full life you want.  The choice is yours.  Which outcome would you prefer?  Take the action that gives you what you want, whether you feel like it or not!

And while you’re making these choices, you might like to take a look at the language you use in respect of tasks.

“Replace ‘I have to’ with “I choose to.’

Replace ‘I must finish’ with ‘When can I start?’

Replace ‘This project is so big and important” with ‘I can take one small step.’

Replace ‘I must be perfect’ with ‘I can be perfectly human.’

Replace ‘I don’t have time to play’ with “I must take time to play.’”

So what words could you choose to use that will help you feel more empowered today?

Day 29 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Monk who sold his Ferrari ~ Robin Sharma

“Alright, the secret of happiness is simple: find out what you truly love to do and then direct all of your energy towards doing it.”

What do you love to do?  How much time do you spend doing it?

If we want to live happier lives, then it’s important that we spend as much time as we can doing the things we truly love.  So if you had all the time and all the money in the world, what would your perfect day look like?

For me I love to get out in nature, whether it’s walking the dog in my local woods, taking in the local countryside with a pub lunch en route, or watching the waves crash on the shore.  I love to read, whether it’s a historical novel, or self development, I love stretching my mind, learning more or getting lost in a story.  I also love spending time with people who inspire me and make me laugh, having fun with friends is a great way to spend my time.

So what about you?  What one thing do you love to do, and how can you make space in your week to do more of it?  Wouldn’t you like the following benefits in your life, if you took the time to do what you love?

“You will wake up every morning with a limitless reservoir of energy and enthusiasm. All your thoughts will be focused on your definite objective. You won’t have time to waste time. Valuable mental power will, therefore, not be wasted on trifling thoughts. You will automatically erase the worry habit and become far more effective and productive. Interestingly, you will also have a deep sense of inner harmony, as if you are somehow being guided to realize your mission. It is a wonderful feeling.”

Day 28 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Four Agreements ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

“There is just one more agreement, but it’s the one that allows the other three to become deeply ingrained habits. The fourth agreement is about the action of the first three: Always do your best.”

Ruiz continues: “Under any circumstance, always do your best, no more and no less. But keep in mind that your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time, so your best will sometimes be high quality, and other times it will not be as good.”

Are you frustrated with where you are at the moment?  Have you experienced a loss and feel stuck and unable to move through your grief, your anger, your despair?

We all have our challenges, and it’s easy to beat up on yourself because things that seemed so easy for you in the past feel so hard now.  But it’s OK!!  Our lives are always changing.  Sometimes we feel great, sometimes we don’t.  It’s normal.  We can’t all be great all of the time.

We have to learn to accept where we are right now, and just focus on doing the best we can in the moment.  Don’t compare yourself with who you used to be.  Don’t compare yourself with others.  You are where you are, and that’s where you’re meant to be.

I would like to be healthier, fitter, slimmer, and stronger.  I have had phases in my life where I have prioritised my nutrition and exercise, and loved living in the ideal body that I created.  Currently, I find that this isn’t my top priority.  It’s still very important, and is certainly a long term goal.  I can choose to sit here and feel dissatisfied with my efforts, or I can accept that where I am right now is ok, and know that I am doing the best I can, for where I am at the moment.  I choose to be kind to me, accept me for who I am, and do the best I can right now to move slowly but surely towards my ideal body.

So what’s one thing that you’d like to change?  What one thing can you do today to move towards your goal?  Just do your best, no more, no less.

Day 27 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The First 30 Days ~ Ariane De Bonvoisin

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on You can Heal Your Life ~ Louise Hay

“By blaming yourself, you become stuck in old patterns, old emotions, and old ways of looking at life. Blame distracts you from looking at the facts, free from emotion. And so it keeps you from doing what needs to be done—making changes in how you look after your health, learning to handle your finances, packing up and moving, or forgiving someone. Stop telling yourself, I should have done this or I should have said that. What’s the point? Blame has never helped anyone achieve anything.

The real question, then, is “What can I do now?”

Have you lost your job?  Are you blaming yourself for not working hard enough, or blaming someone else for forcing you to leave?  Has a relationship ended?  Are you blaming your ex partner for running off with another woman, or blaming yourself for not being able to keep your man?  Has a loved one died, and you’re blaming yourself for not doing more for them while they were alive?

Whatever your loss, it’s easy to fall into the blame game.  Blaming ourselves, blaming others for what’s happened.  But this emotion can keep you stuck, feeling bad, and serves no  positive purpose in moving your forward.

“I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying ‘wrong.’ Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice. I would like to take the word should and remove it from the vocabulary forever. I’d replace it with the word could. Could gives us a choice, and we are never wrong.” 

When we use the words “I should” it makes us feel that we’re in the wrong, but if we change our language to “I could”, we feel more empowered.  We have a choice, and it’s up to us which path we follow. So rather than thinking about what you should have done, or what someone else should have done, try turning those ‘Shoulds’ into ‘Coulds’.

So what one thing could you do today, to stop playing the blame game and start embracing your life of Profound Love and Joy?  It’s waiting for you, you just have to choose it!

Day 26 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent ~ Esther and Jerry Hicks

“We want you to consider the millions and millions of moments of your real-life experience that could be feeling good now, feeling good now, feeling good now… Yes, of course, the manifestation will come. It certainly will come, good or bad. Wanted or unwanted, it is coming. But your life is now, your emotions are now, and the way you feel is now. Direct your thoughts to improve your now moment—and the manifestations will take care of themselves.”

Is there something that you want, and it’s not happened yet?  Maybe you want a new job, a new relationship, more abundance?  If you’re spending your time focused on the lack of what you want in your life, then maybe it’s time to refocus on “feeling good now”.

So are you clear on what you want?  Have you asked for it to come to you?  Have you taken inspired action to bring it to you?  And it’s still not here?  I know how you feel!

There are three stages to manifestation: You ask; the answer is given; the answer which has been given must be received or allowed (you have to let it in). This last part is where most of us struggle.  We’re so impatient to have what we want, that we end up resisting the very thing that we want.  So we have to learn to let it go.  If we’ve done the work required, what we want is on its way to us, we just have to allow it to come in its own time.

So while we’re allowing it, what we can do instead is to focus on feeling good now!  A very simple process you can do is “The Book of Positive Aspects”.  This great little process helps you focus on all the positive aspects of a situation.  So what situation are you frustrated with?  Think of one positive thing about it.  Then think of another.  Give yourself some time to really focus on all the positive aspects.  You will find that this simple process helps you to start feeling good, and when we’re feeling good, we let go of the resistance, and that’s when miracles start to happen.

Do you see the beautiful young woman, or the ugly old hag?  One picture, two interpretations!

Day 25 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Dark Side of the Light Chasers ~ Debbie Ford

“I always ask myself, ‘Does this interpretation empower me or disempower me? Does this interpretation make me feel weak or strong?’ If you have an inner dialogue that disempowers you, it won’t change until you replace it with a positive, powerful, internal conversation. But some of us are very strong-willed, and our addiction to pain and suffering won’t allow a new interpretation. This is why it’s so important to write things out and look at every single way you might perceive a particular incident. Just the act of writing down the words shakes loose the emotions that are tied to the incident. When we’re willing to have some fun and play with our interpretations we can re-examine our choices. When we bring them out of the darkness and into the light, they can be healed.”

Is there a situation in your life where you’re feeling disempowered?  A great process that I’ve used on a number of occasions is to write out two different perspectives of the same story.  One which makes you feel empowered and another where you feel you gave your power away.  Then you get to choose which one you want to believe.

My husband chose to take his life, and it took me some time to come to terms with what happened.  The last message that I have from him was a text message sent 2 days prior to his body being found.  I spent months suffering not only with his death, but also the possibility that he could have been dead for days before he was found.  I will never know what led to his actions, or when it happened, or why it happened.

One interpretation of events is that he died and remained there, undiscovered for 2 days, and this intensifies my grief.  However, an alternative interpretation is that he died only hours before being found.  I had a “feeling” the night before that something had happened, which prompted the phone call to the police.

I will never know the truth, however,  I can choose to believe either interpretation.  I choose to believe the second, because it hurts me the least.  It can’t take away the pain of his death, but it lessens it.

As some of you are aware I have been exploring the world of online dating, to find friendship and add more fun into my life.  I’ve been supported by a wonderful dating coach Lisa Copeland of www.findaqualityman.com.  I swapped emails, spoke with and finally met a lovely man and enjoyed spending some time with him.  But he never called again, which was quite upsetting.

So I used the same process as above.  I wrote one story about the date, where the interpretation was that this man had found something “wrong” with me, which made me feel bad.  I also wrote another story, which focused on the positive experience with this man, and the interpretation was that I was a wonderful woman, but this man did not feel good enough for me.

Who knows what the truth of the situation is.  But I can choose which interpretation of the events I want to believe, so I choose the latter because it makes me feel more empowered, and hurts me the least.

So what situation could you reframe, and choose to feel better about?  Take a few minutes to write down your two stories.  How do you feel believing each story?  Which one do you choose to believe?

Day 24 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The Big Leap ~ Gay Hendricks Ph.D

“Worrying is usually a sign that we’re Upper-Limiting. It is usually not a sign that we’re thinking about something useful. The crucial sign that we’re worrying unnecessarily is when we’re worrying about something we have no control over. Worrying is useful only if it concerns a topic we can actually do something about, and if it leads to our taking positive action right away. All other worry is just Upper Limit noise, designed by our unconscious to keep us safely within our Zone of Excellence or Zone of Competence.”

Do you feel worry?  Are you worried about your health?  Are you worried about your future?  Are you worried that after a string of failed relationships you’re doomed to a single life?  Are you worried about what others think about you?

When we feel worry, it’s a signal that we’re focused on something we don’t want.

We want to be in good health, but for some reason we worry that we are not experiencing this.  We want to live a full happy life, but we are thinking that this isn’t possible. We want to be in a loving relationship, but we’re focused on the absence of this.  We want to be appreciated and supported by our friends but we’re focused on the flaws that they may see in us.

Whatever you’re worried about; can you do anything about it?  If it’s outside your control, then let it go.  Worrying is not going to change anything.  But if there is something you can do, you have a choice.  Take action to help you feel better, or do nothing and live with the continued feeling of worry.

Acknowledge the feeling of worry, and choose what action you are going to take.  You have the power to let it go, or feel better.  What will you choose?

Day 23 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The 80/20 Principle ~ Richard Koch

“20% of what we do leads to 80% of the results; but 80% of what we do leads to only 20%. We are wasting 80% of our time on low-value outcomes.”

Did you know that:

• 20% of motorists account for 80% of accidents

• 20% of married individuals account for 80% of divorces

• 20% of your carpet probably gets 80% of the wear

• 20% of clients usually account for 80% of profits

• 20% of clothes in your closet are worn 80% of the time

“Relationships help us to define who we are and what we can become. Most of us can trace our successes to pivotal relationships.”

Koch has a brilliant exercise that you can do in relation to your relationships.

Take out your journal or a sheet of paper and write down the names of the 20 people with whom you have the most important relationships.  Then give yourself 100 points and allocate to the people on your list relative to the enjoyment you feel when you spend time with them.  What you’ll probably discover is that 80% of your joy comes from just 20% of the people, ie only 4 people.  If you’re like me you might also find it difficult to reach 20 people to start with.

Then in another column give yourself another 100 points and allocate to these people in relation to how much time you spend with each of them.

When I did this exercise I realised that there were about 4 or 5 people who just light up my life.  I feel totally supported by them, I always feel joyful when I spend time with them, I feel blessed to call them my friend, and always look forward to spending time with them.  But what I also realised was that I wasn’t spending that much time with the people whose company I most enjoyed.  So out came the diary, and I carved out some time to spend with those special people.

So why don’t you spend some time right now to do this exercise and see which friends bring you the most joy?  What could you do to spend more time with the ones you cherish?

Day 22 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on The 7 habits of highly effective people ~ Stephen Covey

Covey tells a brilliant story of a man in the forest sawing down a tree with a blunt saw. He saws and saws (and saws and saws).  Working feverishly but not getting far.  A passerby suggests he take a break and sharpen his saw and gets the reply, “But I don’t have time for that.”

So how long is your to do list today?  How long was it yesterday?  Do you feel as though you have so many things to do, that you can’t take a break?

It’s easy to get swept away by all the “stuff” that we feel we “should” be doing.  However,  if we don’t take time to recharge our batteries, then the things we’re doing will take longer than they need to, and more importantly we’ll eventually run out of steam.  This could result in physical exhaustion, frustration that our lives are all work and no play, or in some cases illness, or even physical incapacity.

This seventh habit, of sharpening our saw has become a fundamental part of my life.  If I don’t take time to renew, to fill up, refueling myself in the four dimensions then I begin to feel it in my body, in my mood.

Stephen Covey says that sharpening our saw:

“is the single most powerful investment we can ever make in life – investment in ourselves, in the only instrument we have with which to deal with life and to contribute.”

There are four dimensions to consider when sharpening our saw:

Physical

~ Caring for our physical body, which could mean eating nutritious food, doing some type of exercise, resting and relaxing regularly.

Social/Emotional

~ Relationships with people, either in a work environment or in your personal life.

Mental

~ Reading, writing anything that expands the mind.

Spiritual

~ Meditation, attending a church, reading, anything that connects you to your inner source.

The idea is, that you choose something from each dimension that works for you and practice it regularly.

Taking time out to look after ourselves is NOT selfish.  So what activities could you choose to do, that will renew you; that will make you feel alive and ready to take on the world?

Day 21 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Strength for Life ~ Shawn Phillips

“Your body, the only one you will ever have, is the foundation of your life. And it’s either an anchor limiting your freedom and potential or a source of radiant energy vitality and joy, elevating your life and the lives of those around you.  It’s your choice… will yours be a source of strength, from which you will impact the world, an obstacle, preventing you from your dreams and desires? … As my friend, NFL Hall of Fame quarterback John Elway is fond of saying,’If you’re going to bother setting a goal, aim high!’ … My advice to you, aim high; aim for strength.”

Do you wake up every morning full of energy, with the strength to do anything you choose?  Or do you allow your current body to limit the experiences that you enjoy?

Whether you’re male or female, old or young, rich or poor, we all share one reality.  We all get one body, and how we look after it will determine the length and quality of our lives.  You’re probably living a full life with many responsibilities: your work, your family, your friends.  But what if the unthinkable happened, and tomorrow your body suffered a life changing event, a stroke, cancer, heart disease?  If you were suddenly bed bound for weeks or months, you would be forced to make your health a priority, and all those other responsibilities would become less important.

So what if you decided that you’d rather forgo the life changing event, and just start making your body, your health, your life, the priority right now?  What one thing could you introduce into your life, that would give you more strength, more vitality to live the full and amazing life that is waiting for you?  What’s stopping you?

Day 20 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Spiritual Liberation ~ Michael Bernard Beckwith

“That which transforms your life is what you practice. And what you practice constitutes your personal laws of life—not what you merely believe in, but what you practice. It’s all well and good to read books, and to attend seminars, lectures, and workshops, and to say, ‘Oh, that really resonates with me! It’s now part of my life’s philosophy.’ Your philosophy may give you a temporary state of euphoria, but if you want to be anchored in reality, it takes practice, practice, practice. We are not here to be euphoric but to get free. Rudimentary spirituality is theory; advanced spirituality is practice.”

How many of us have attended workshops, bought books, and subscribed to great interviews or teleclasses, but haven’t actually done the work after the event?  I know I have.  We hear lots of good suggestions on how to make our lives better, but real life gets in the way, and we don’t build our practice.

It’s a bit like stocking your fridge full of healthy food, and then not eating it.  Or buying a gym membership and never going to the gym.  You have to build your daily practices to get the full benefits; just knowing what you could be doing is not going to change your life.

So what’s the best idea that you’ve read or heard, that you could begin to practice daily right now?  Meditation, writing a journal, being grateful, exercise….

Day 19 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Real Magic ~ Wayne D Dyer

“Commit to paper precisely what you would like to have appear in your physical life. By seeing it and reading it repeatedly you will plant that thought more firmly in your mind and you will begin to manifest that which you are imaging.”

You are the creator of your life!  Most of us are unaware of this, but focusing on what we want is part of the process of attracting it into our lives.

Do you keep a journal?  The simple act of sitting down to write in a journal, forces us to think, and the more we think, the more we write, the more clarity we gain on what exactly we want.

Choose one area of your life and ask yourself these three questions.  What do I want?  Why do I want it?  How do I want to feel?

For example, if you choose your body, you might want to lose a few pounds and be a particular size.  You might want this because you want to be able to wear nicer clothes and you want to be healthier.  You know that you will then feel more confident, more attractive and more energetic.

Spend time focusing on all the different areas of your life, and perform the same exercise.  Reread your journal often, amend as appropriate, and really imagine how you would feel if you had the thing you wanted.  The more you focus on what you want, and feel it, you will find that you will start to attract it into your life.

I am blessed to have a weekly membership at The Spa at Four Seasons Hotel Hampshire.   I make time each week to enjoy this wonderful relaxing environment and give myself the opportunity to unwind and rejuvenate.  I can leave my roles of mother, family member, friend, homemaker, business owner and grief coach behind, and just relax for a few hours.  My first introduction to this wonderful Spa was in January 2007.

I was struggling in an abusive marriage, and as a result I was very depressed.  My doctor prescribed antidepressants and when my resignation at work was not accepted, I chose to reduce my working hours instead.  I worked 2 days a week around my three children and chose to spend 3 days a week at the Spa.  I’d go as soon as my children had gone to school, and I’d leave in time to pick them up again.  I know that I was very fortunate to be able to do this, and this option is not always available to everyone.   However, I also knew that I had to prioritise my own wellbeing, because if I didn’t, things would only get worse.  If I went under, then the whole family would suffer too.

I cannot explain how valuable this time was to me.  The opportunity to just be, in such a beautiful environment was priceless.

I love power walking and the hotel is set in the most beautiful grounds overlooking Tundry Pond and close to the Basingstoke Canal.  My first activity on reaching the Spa in the morning was to power walk around the grounds and along the canal for an hour.  As I took in the scenery and the fresh air, my spirits would lift.  The Spa provides complimentary muffins and refreshments till 11, so that would be my next stop after changing into my swimwear.  A light lunch and time in the relaxation room, sauna, steam room, pool and vitality pool would follow in the afternoon.

Over the next year my depression lifted and I gained strength to continue with my challenging life.  My membership at the Spa was definitely key to the improvement in my spirits.

I returned to the Spa this year.  I feel very blessed that I have the opportunity to indulge in such a wonderful experience each week, but again, I know that I have to prioritise my own wellbeing.  For one, I enjoy it, but secondly as a single parent of three children aged 11 to 15, running my own business from home, it’s absolutely fundamental that I look after myself.

Women today have many roles, and it’s easy to forget about looking after ourselves.  But if you don’t invest your time and money in yourself, no one else will!!  Just because you’re a mum doesn’t mean that you have to give 100% of yourself to your children.  It is not selfish to look after you!  It is important for your own wellbeing to take time for you, and also to show your children that it’s important that everyone has solitary time to do what they want.

If on top of a full life, you’re also dealing with grief, then investing time in yourself is even more important.   So what one thing could you plan this week that would give you solitary time to just be?  Maybe it’s meditating, enjoying a soak in the bath, reading a book, or enjoying a drink sitting in the garden.  Why not put something in your diary right now, and treat it as though it’s an appointment with your most important client.  Don’t cancel the appointment, it is Very Important!  How do you feel afterwards?  If you felt better, then book your next appointment immediately, just like you do when you get a haircut.  Then repeat…..

If you’re dealing with grief, please take a look at my “Transforming Grief to Joy” Spa Experience, brought to you from The Spa at Four Seasons Hotel Hampshire.  You will love it!!

Click here to find out more.

 

Day 18 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Paulo Coelho

“I don’t regret the painful times; I bare my scars as if they were medals”.

Like you, I’ve known challenges in my life.  After 25 years with the man I loved, I realised that I had to leave my husband and marriage.    I left behind a beautiful home and its contents except for 2 suitcases of clothes and a few personal items.  I spent three months living in a refuge, sharing one bedroom with my three children.  I struggled to deal with grief when my husband chose to take his life.  I’ve been challenged with being the best parent I can be to my children, knowing that for the rest of my life I will bear this responsibility alone.  I’ve stepped way out of my comfort zone sharing my life experience with other women in the hope that I can make a difference in their lives.

Life throws these challenges at us, and each experience can open us up to such immense pain.  However, every moment of every day, we do have a choice.  We can choose to let these challenges destroy us, or we can choose to learn, and grow.

I’ve achieved many things in my life of which I’m very proud.  I was the first person in my family to go to University.  I qualified as a Chartered Accountant and was one of a few people who gained a secondment to live and work in Sydney Australia.  I have had three wonderful children.  I completed the Playtex Moonwalk in a respectable time and raised funds for breast cancer research.  After a 10 year career break I had the opportunity to work at Charterhouse School as the Deputy Finance Bursar.

I know that I couldn’t have achieved these things without some degree of strength and determination.  But I also know that the challenges I’ve experienced in the last few years have been the catalyst in even greater feelings of empowerment, compassion and gratitude for my life.  I wouldn’t be the person I am now, if I hadn’t lived through those painful episodes.

So I choose to bare my scars as if they were medals.  I’m still here to tell the tale, a more loving, more compassionate and more grateful woman, and I have no regrets.

How about you?  Is there a painful experience that you could reframe, and instead chose to celebrate that you’ve come through it, and you’ve become a better person for the experience?

Day 17 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Overachievement ~ John Eliot PH.D

“Great performers focus on what they are doing and nothing else… They are able to engage in a task so completely that there is no room left for self-criticism, judgment, or doubt; to stay loose and supremely, even irrationally, self-confident… They let it happen, let it go. They couldn’t care less about the results.”

Have you noticed that when you stop thinking about the outcome of something you’re doing, and just focus on the task in front of you, you naturally perform better?

Whether you want to be a good parent, perform well at work, or you’re meeting someone new, just let go of what others might think of you and whether you’re doing it ‘right’.  Just immerse yourself fully in what you’re doing, and the outcome will follow, naturally, without forcing.

Day 16 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Mastery ~ George Leonard

“Goals and contingencies, as I’ve said, are important. But they exist in the future and the past, beyond the pale of the sensory realm. Practice, the path of mastery, exists only in the present. You can see it, hear it, smell it, feel it. To love the plateau is to love the eternal now, to enjoy the inevitable spurts of progress and the fruits of accomplishment, then serenely to accept the new plateau that waits just beyond them. To love the plateau is to love what is most essential and enduring in your life.”

Have you ever noticed that when you’re following a new healthy eating plan, you lose lots of weight initially and then you plateau for a while?  If you continue with your new eating habits, you lose a bit more weight and then plateau again.  The problem is that most of us find these plateaus uncomfortable.  We want a consistent weight loss, and after we experience a plateau it can easily throw us off course, and sadly we get despondent and give up.

Similarly with a fitness plan, the initial improvements in our fitness and strength feel fantastic, but after a while we find that we don’t seem to get the same kind of improvement.

When you’ve suffered loss and are grieving, it’s easy to get stuck in this emotion.  We can gradually change our thoughts and feel a bit better, but then we may get stuck in another emotion, for example, anger.  If we have an expectation that we should be able to feel happiness again, and it’s not happening as quickly as we’d like, we may feel it’s too much like hard work, and instead choose to stay stuck where we are.

But, if we can learn to love the plateau, then our lives can be transformed.  If we continue to practice our rituals: of healthy eating, fitness training, choosing better feeling thoughts, and if we practice more consistently, even when we don’t see the results we want, gradually we will reach our goals.

I love walking my puppy in the woods.  It’s a daily ritual that I absolutely love.  It gets me out into nature, it’s light exercise, it lifts my spirits.  I know that it’s good for my health, but I just love the daily practice, even if I don’t see any physical change in my body.

Are you stuck on a plateau?  How can you learn to love the plateau, and continue your daily practice so that you can reach your goals?

Day 15 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Loving What Is ~ Byron Katie

“I realised that it’s insane to oppose it.  When I argue with reality, I lose – but only 100% of the time.”

Have you lost your job, and you’re focused on all the reasons why it shouldn’t have happened?   Has a relationship ended and you’re focused on what a mistake your ex has made in letting you go?  Have you lost a loved one, and are focused on how they shouldn’t have died?

Life happens and we all experience negative emotion from a variety of events.  But there is no point focusing on what should or should not have happened.  It’s done, you can’t change it.  There is no point spending your time, and your thoughts wishing it were different.  If you try and argue with reality, you will lose every time!!

Instead, focus on what you want to happen in the future.  See if you can find the blessing in the event, and see what an even more amazing future you can create.

What job would you really love to do?   You just didn’t consider it before while you were working.  What were all the things that weren’t right in your previous relationship?  Turn it around and focus on all the things that you do want in your next relationship.  Focus on how blessed you were to spend time and experiences with the person that died.  Think about the gift you received from that relationship and how you can build on this in your future.

Day 14 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Ken Wilbur

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Big Mind, Big Heart ~ Zen Master Dennis Genpo Merzel

“No one is smart enough to be 100% wrong”

What that means, stated positively, is that everyone has, however, small, a partial truth to their position.  They’re not smart enough to be 100% wrong.

Have you ever had a disagreement with someone, and been convinced that you were right and they were wrong?  Whether it’s your partner, a child, a friend, a parent or work colleague.  We all form different opinions based on our own experience.  So it’s highly likely that disagreements occur.  But there is always a truth in everyone’s opinion, even if it doesn’t agree with yours!

I love the story of the six blind men who had never seen an elephant before and are each touching a different part of the animal, describing what an elephant is.

The first blind man grabs the tail and says the elephant is like a rope.  The second one grabs the leg and is certain the elephant is like a pillar while the third touches the trunk and thinks the elephant is like a tree branch.  The others go for different parts and have different perspectives (the back is like a throne; the tusk is like a spear; the ear is like a hand fan).

They’re all 100% sure that they’re 100% right, and yet each of them has a partial truth to what they’re saying, they just can’t see the whole picture.

So if you want to have wonderful relationships, how could you be more open to the other person being just a little bit right today?

Day 13 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Integrative Nutrition ~ Joshua Rosenthal

“Sometimes we are fed not by food but by the energy in our lives. These moments and feelings demonstrate that everything is food. We take in thousands of experiences of life that can fulfill us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We hunger for play, fun, touch, romance, intimacy, love, achievement, success, art, music, self-expression, leadership, excitement, adventure and spirituality. All of these elements are essential forms of nourishment. The extent to which we are able to incorporate them determines how enjoyable and worthwhile our lives feel.”

Are you on a diet?  Have you just finished another diet?  If you’re like me, then you’ve tried a number of diets, or healthy eating plans over the years in search of your ideal body.  Sadly, we don’t all achieve it, or maintain it for long.

How many of us are filling out bodies with food, any food, because we’re actually missing something quite different in our lives?   Have you noticed that when you’re in a new relationship, which is full of fun, romance, intimacy and love, you don’t tend to snack so much?  You’re so happy in this relationship that you no longer need to fill up with food.

Are you stuck in an unhappy relationship or grieving the loss of a special person.  Are you stuck in a dead end job or spending too much time on the sofa with the remote control in your lap?  Rather than face our fears, our concerns, we stuff our emotions in our body, and self medicate with food.  So I love the concept of primary and secondary foods discussed in this great book.

“Primary food is more than what is on your plate. Healthy relationships, regular physical activity, a fulfilling career and a spiritual practice can fill your soul and satisfy your hunger for life. When primary food is balanced and satiating, your life feeds you, making what you eat secondary.”

So what one thing could you chose to focus on today, to fill your soul and therefore your hunger for life?  Then sit back and notice how you automatically choose to eat more healthily.

Day 12 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on How to think like Leonardo da Vinci ~ Michael Gelb

“Leonardo da Vinci carried a notebook with him at all times so that he could jot down ideas, impressions, and observations as they occurred. His notebooks (seven thousand pages exist; most scholars estimate this is about one half of the amount he left to Francesco Melzi in his will) contained jokes and fables, the observations and thoughts of scholars he admired, personal financial records, letters, reflections on domestic problems, philosophical musings and prophecies, plans for inventions, and treatises on anatomy, botany, geology, flight, water, and painting.”

I have kept a number of journals over the years.

I moved to Australia in 1990, and began keeping a daily journal from the moment I left the UK.  I kept a record of places I went, events that occurred, observations, developments in my personal life.  This note taking continued later throughout pregnancies, as I kept notes of how I was feeling and the development of the baby.

In 2005 I began a ritual of going to a local spa to support my wellbeing.  Sometimes this would be with a friend, but when I went on my own, I took a special notebook with me.   I wrote down all the things that had been going on in my life since my last visit and my goals for the next few months.  7 years later and I still write in this notebook.  Taking time to review this journal is incredibly rewarding.  The entries are like snapshots of my life over a period of time.  I can see that there are some behaviours that I’m repeating that need further work. I can also see that there are many areas where I am growing in knowledge, wisdom and happiness.

There are many things that happened in my life, that I’ve forgotten.  Yet these journals are valuable in reminding me of those experiences.  I kept copious notes of struggles in my marriage.  Although I don’t making a habit of revisiting these notes very often, I am amazed at how much I have changed for the better since those times.  My life now is so very different, it’s hard to believe that I’m reading about my own life.

My journals now take a different format.  Since I began my journey of healing after the death of my husband, my journals record the books that I read, the courses that I took, the inspiration that helped me to feel better, and my thoughts.  While my journals may not contain the wisdom and creativity of Leonardo da Vinci, they do provide valuable evidence of my lifes journey.

Why not spend 5 minutes today writing in your journal?  Just sit quietly, pen and notebook ready and see what comes up, and then just write, let the words flow over the page.  Try it for 30 days and see how you can boost your happiness level by adopting this daily ritual.

Day 11 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Happy for No Reason ~ Marci Shimoff

“In an experiment by Dr. Robert Emmons at the University of California-Davis, people who kept a ‘gratitude journal,’ a weekly record of things they felt grateful for, enjoyed better physical health, were more optimistic, exercised more regularly, and described themselves as happier than a control group who didn’t keep journals.”

Keeping a gratitude journal is one of the simplest and most effective ways of raising our vibration.  It’s one of my top 10 processes for helping me feel better.  Just write down 5 things that you’re grateful for today, and as you reread what you’ve written feel the gratitude in your body.

If you’ve suffered loss, then you may not feel as though you have much to be grateful for.  But just think of one thing.  Do you have a roof over your head?  Do you have food in your belly?  Do you have access to water?  Do you have your health?  There are so many things that we take for granted, but if you start to write down your blessings, you will realise that in spite of the loss you have suffered, you are truly blessed.

As you focus more and more on what you have to be grateful for, you will find that you become aware of more blessings in your life.  As you feel the gratitude, the universe will match your vibration and you will attract to you more and more experiences that will yield the same emotion.

Why not try it for 30 days, and see the difference that keeping a gratitude journal can make in your life?

Day 10 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Gay & Katie Hendricks

John Gottman knows relationships.  He can watch a couple interact in his lab and be able to tell you within minutes (and with a stunning accuracy) which couple’s relationships will endure and which will dissolve.  One of his key factors? The 5:1 ratio.  To survive/thrive, his research shows that a couple needs to have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.  Not 1:1. 5:1.

How many times have you complained about and blamed your partner for difficulties in your relationship.  “You never listen to me”, “Why can’t you be more loving, attentive, romantic….?” “If only he’d change, then I could be happy.”  These are examples of negative interactions and I’m sure you can think of a few others that may have crossed your mind or even your lips over the years.

So do you take time to really appreciate your partner?

There are many things I appreciated about my late husband.  He always made birthdays fun, he didn’t just buy me one birthday card, he’d buy about 3 or 4, and they’d always be really funny.   When we had children, he was in full agreement when I chose to put my career on hold, so that I could be a full time mum to our children.   He took great pride in providing financially for his family so he spent many years working in Europe involving long hours of exhausting travel.

I know that I thanked him for the great things he did for us, and I also know that I complained about him.  Whether it was justified or not, is irrevelent.  I do know that I could have appreciated him more.  I also know that since his death and reading this note from Gay & Katie Hendricks I have become much more appreciative of everyone in my life.  Now I actively look for way to show my appreciation to everyone I come into contact with, my children, my friends, the supermarket assistant…

So if you want to ensure that a relationship thrives,  consider how you can show more appreciation today.  Why not choose one person right now, and write down 5  – 10 things you appreciate about them.  As you appreciate them, their value to you will grow and your relationship will blossom even more.

Day 9 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Focal Point ~ Brian Tracy

 “Among the most important personal choices you can make is to accept complete responsibility for everything you are and everything you will ever be. This is the great turning point in life. The acceptance of personal responsibility is what separates the superior person from the average person. Personal responsibility is the preeminent trait of leadership and the wellspring of high performance in every person in every situation.

Accepting complete responsibility for your life means that you refuse to make excuses or blame others for anything in your life that you’re not happy about. You refuse, from this moment forward, to criticize others for any reason. You refuse to complain about your situation or about what has happened in the past. You eliminate all your if-onlys and what-ifs and focus instead on what you really want and where you are going.

This decision to accept complete responsibility for yourself, your life, and your results, with no excuses, is absolutely essential if you want to double your income and double your time off. From now on, no matter what happens, say to yourself, ‘I am responsible.’”

Have you lost your job?  Do you find yourself thinking any of the following? If only my employer had been more understanding.  If only they’d recognised all my hard efforts.  If only the economy was better.

Have you lost a relationship?  Are you blaming your ex’s behaviour for the breakdown?  Are you criticising your ex to your friends, your family, your children?  Are you thinking if only they had changed?

Have you experienced the death of a loved one?  Are you focused on,  if only they were still alive?  If only we’d taken out life insurance?  If only my in-laws were more supportive?  If only someone would rescue me from this grief?

When you’ve experienced loss, it’s hard.  Your life is turned upside down, and it’s natural that you grieve for your loss.  Other emotions join your grief, maybe anger, revenge, despair.  But, while you’re blaming or criticising or asking what if, you are living your life as a victim.  You’ve given up your power to circumstance, or other people.  There is an alternative.  It’s not the for the faint hearted.  You need courage, and determination, but the rewards are so worth it.

If you make the decision to accept total responsibility for your life, you will take back your power, and become the creator of your life, rather than a victim.  You will feel more empowered, more freedom, more happiness, when you realise that you and you alone can create the life you want.  If you wait for a knight in shining armour to come along and rescue you, you’ll be waiting a long time.  But if you can summon that courage, then you will find yourself living the life you want, sooner than you could ever imagine.

So are you ready to be fully responsible?

Day 8 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Everyday Enlightenment ~ Dan Millman

“One of the strangest delusions believed by many of us is that it is good to love other people but bad to love yourself. I suggest that the more you are able to see, love, and accept the one facet of Spirit gazing at you from the mirror, the more you will be able to love Spirit within others. If we are the same awareness shining through a billion separate forms, then all love begins with self-love. For the heart to awaken, it cannot exclude a single soul, including yourself. If you do not love yourself, how can you find the space to love others?”

Do you feel overwhelmed from the many roles you play in your life?  Maybe you are a wife, mother, family member, friend, employee, entrepreneur, or homemaker.  Are you so busy giving yourself to everyone else, that you overlook the most important person, YOU?  It is so important to take the time to love yourself. Yet how many of us make a conscious choice to prioritise our own wellbeing?

Over the years I’ve noticed that I feel so much better when I take time out of my day to focus on my needs.  And when I was really going through huge emotional challenges, it was even more important that I took time for me.

It doesn’t have to cost a lot, and it doesn’t have to take all of your time.  Quite often it’s the simple daily rituals that can lift us up, and give us strength to make it through the day.

Do you meditate?  Do you spend time in nature?  Do you spend time nurturing relationships with friends, family, even strangers?  Do you take a long hot soak in the bath?  Do you take time to do your hair?  Nourish your skin?  Apply your makeup?  Do you read a favourite book?  Do you sit quietly, close your eyes and just breathe?  Do you exercise?  Do you eat delicious nutritious food?  Do you drink plenty of water?  5 minutes of any of these practiced daily could make a huge difference in your wellbeing, and I’m sure you can think of many other ways.

Why not take 5 minutes now, right now, to write down as many ways that you can experience the self love that you desire and deserve.  Then choose one, not two, not ten, just one that really appeals to you.  Make an appointment in your diary for the next 30 days, and do it daily.  See what a difference receiving self love can make in your life.  Keep your list with you, and add to it as more ideas come to you.  After 30 days, select another ritual that you’d like to incorporate in your life, and repeat the process.  Within 1 year, you will have incorporated 12 new daily rituals into your life, and you will not recognise the person you have become.  Here’s to your self-love!

If you’d like the support and encouragement of a community of other women who are focused on their wellbeing, you might like to join my facebook page “Just do it for 30 days”.  I set this page up to make me accountable for practicing my own self love rituals.  I’d love you to join me.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Just-do-it-for-30-days/128248923919196

Day 7 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Do You! ~ Russell Simmons

“The pain that’s created by avoiding hard work is actually much worse than any pain created from the actual work itself. Because if you don’t begin to work on those ideas that God has blessed you with, they will become stagnant inside of you and eventually begin to eat away at you. You might seem OK on the outside, but inside you will be ill from not getting those ideas out of your heart and into the world. Stalling leads to sickness. But taking steps, even baby steps, always leads to success.”

You wake up and it’s a new day.  Imagine you start your morning at zero.  Every time you take a baby step into growth you get a +1, but if you step backwards into safety you get a -1.

Your alarm goes off and you get out of bed, take a shower, or meditate, you get a +1, but if you roll over and go back to sleep again, you get a -1.   You take time to appreciate your day +1, you focus on all the things that are wrong in your life -1.  You offer a smile to a stranger +1, you ignore them -1.  Now imagine your score at the end of the day.

How do you feel if  it’s +692?  Throughout your day you’ve chosen to take positive action towards your goals and you’ll feel great.  You’ll want to hug your partner, jump for joy, do some exercise, spend time with those you love.

But what if you’ve scored – 952?  You’ve decided that it’s too hard to take the actions that could get you closer to your goals.  So how do you feel?  It’s likely that you’ll just want to curl up in front of the tv, shout at your partner, drink some alcohol and drown your sorrows.

If you want to be successful, then every moment is an opportunity to choose to move toward your goal and feel great!  The consequence of taking what seems the easy option, is that you won’t succeed and you’ll feel awful.

What can you do today, to ensure you have the highest positive score at the end of the day?

Day 6 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Constructive Living ~ David K Reynolds

“Depression can be created by sitting slouched in a chair, shoulders hunched, head hanging down. Repeat these words over and over: ‘There’s nothing anybody can do. No one can help me. I’m helpless. I give up.’ Shake your head, sigh, cry. In general, act depressed and the genuine feeling will follow in time… Feelings follow behavior.”

If you’ve experienced loss, then you’re bound to have moments of feeling depressed.  But if you find that you’re spending more time in this emotion than you want to, take a look at your posture.

If you want to feel better, than change something.  Sit upright, lift your head, smile, focus on the positive, and appreciate what you have in your life.  Even better, get outside, take a walk, take some deep breaths, stretch, do some exercise.  Any of these is a change in your behaviour, and more improved feelings will follow.  Try it, and see how you can stop “doing depression”.

Day 5 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Conscious Living ~ Gay Hendricks

“The secret of happiness is knowing that there are some things you can control and some things you cannot”

If we could accept this statement, how many of us could be living happier lives than we currently do?

Whether it’s the weather; the behaviour of a friend or a loved one; the end of a relationship; the loss of a job; or the death of a loved one.  There are some things that we just can’t control!  No matter how much we try, how much work we put in, there is nothing we can do to change things.

So we have to learn to accept that there will be some things which we can control, and some things which will happen irrespective of what we do, feel or say.  And if there’s nothing we can do, then it’s time to stop beating ourselves up about it, and choose to feel happy, whether we like the result or not.

What is the point of feeling unhappy about something which you have no control over?  You can’t change it.  Wouldn’t you rather choose happiness instead?

Day 4 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Body Mind Mastery ~ Dan Millman

“Body mind masters do not deny or repress their feelings but learn to stay physically relaxed even under stressful situations. Even when feeling angry, fearful, and sorrowful, breathe evenly and fully. Keep your body relaxed. You have much more control over your behaviour than you do over your thoughts or emotions so paradoxically the best way to master your emotions is to let them be, stay relaxed, and focus on constructive action. So, accept your emotions as natural to you in the moment, without trying to fix them. Know your purpose or goal—not someone else’s. And, do whatever you need to reach that goal, whether or not your emotions or moods help or hinder you.”

When you’re feeling negative emotion, do you take time to relax your body and just breathe?  We all breathe, all day every day.  But do you take a few minutes out of your day, to sit quietly, slow down your breathe and focus on each breath in and out.  It sounds too simple doesn’t it?  But a few minutes of deep breathing can have a powerful effect on your body.  Why not try it, and see how much better you feel?

The other key message in this quote is to accept your emotions, without trying to fix them.  If you’ve experienced loss, and you’re feeling grief, anger or sadness, it’s natural!  Acknowledge the emotion, accept it, and go with the flow.  And if there’s something important that needs to be done today, then just do it, whether you feel like it or not.  Don’t let your feelings prevent you from achieving your goal.  But make sure it is important!  If it’s not important that you do it today, then maybe you need to love yourself enough to let it go, and reconsider it tomorrow.

So what important action could you take today to reach your goal, in spite of not feeling like it?

Day 3 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Big Mind ~ Big Heart by Zen Master Dennis Genpo Merzel

“What we do naturally is we cling, we grasp, we hold on to. We are not functioning freely, not free, because we’re stuck. Buddha observed this tendency and gave it a name. He said when the mind is stuck, you’re in dukkha (usually translated from the Sanskrit as suffering). Dukkha literally means a wheel whose hub doesn’t move. So what kind of a wheel do you have? A useless, dysfunctional wheel. What good is a wheel if it doesn’t move?

What Buddha discovered and taught was to free up the wheel. He called it sukkha, a liberated wheel, a freed-up wheel. That means liberation, nirvana.”

Have you lost a loved one or a relationship, and you’re clinging onto those memories, still stuck in grief, despair and sadness?  Then you’re in dukkha.

It’s natural that you experience these feelings after a loss, and everyone’s path of healing is unique.  There is no set time table of grief, your pace of healing is right for you.

However, if you realise that the months and years have flown by and you’re still stuck, and you don’t like it, maybe it’s time to free up your wheel and get it spinning again.  What one thing could you do to free up your wheel?

Day 2 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Ask and it is given ~ Esther and Jerry Hicks

“When the fuel gauge on your vehicle indicates that the tank is empty, you do not criticize the indicator. You receive the information that it has offered you, and you do something about adding more fuel to your tank.

Similarly, a negative feeling is an indicator that your current choice of thoughts has you offering a vibration that is so out of harmony with your Source Energy that you are currently disallowing your full connection to that Energy Stream. (You could say your tank is reaching empty.) Your emotions do not create, but they do indicate what you are currently attracting. If your emotions are helping you know that your choice of thoughts is not taking you in the direction that you desire to go, then do something about that: Replenish your connection by choosing better-feeling thoughts.”

Each of us has an emotional guidance system.  We all experience a variety of emotions which are either good or bad.  When we feel bad, it’s a sign from our emotional guidance system that we’re off course.  We shouldn’t judge ourselves for feeling these emotions because it’s a good thing!.  It’s proof that our emotional guidance system is working, and it’s an early warning sign to investigate our thoughts.  If you’re feeling bad, it’s because you’re focusing on something you don’t want.  So as soon as you become aware of it, pause and ask yourself, what is it that I do want?

Have you ever been shopping for an outfit because you’re going to a special event? You try on lots of clothes, and then you feel depressed, angry, or disappointed because none of them fit you the way that you’d like them to.  You’re feeling these negative feelings because you realise that you’re not happy with your body as it is.   So pause, and think about how you do want your body to look.

Have you thought about the end of a relationship and felt grief at the loss in your life?  You’re focusing on the lack of the relationship.  So pause, and think about the relationship that you would like instead.

As you start to focus your thoughts on what you do want, as opposed to the reality that you see in front of you, you will find yourself shifting towards better feelings.  When you visualise your body fit, strong and energised doesn’t that make you feel good?  When you think about the relationship that you will have in the future with someone even better than you’ve ever experienced before doesn’t that fill you with hope?

So next time you feel bad, just remember “refuel your tank” by focusing on what you want.

Day 1 of 90 day challenge

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on A New Earth ~ Eckhart Tolle

“If there is nothing you can do, face what is and say, ‘Well, right now, this is how it is. I can either accept it, or make myself miserable.’ The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about the situation. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is.”

Have you suffered loss, and feel thoroughly miserable at the gaping hole left in your life?  Many assume that misery is a natural consequence of experiencing loss, but does it have to be that way?  You can’t change the loss you’ve experienced, but you do have a choice about how you feel.  You can either choose to feel unhappy, or you can choose to feel differently.

My husband died nearly 4 years ago after 25 years together.  I grieved intensely for the man that I met, fell in love with and married and I struggled for some time to come to terms with his death.  However, with time I realised that I could choose to allow myself to feel better.  Grieving couldn’t change his death or  bring him back, so why would I still choose  to feel bad?  Later I was able to accept his death.  It didn’t mean I was happy about it, but I could feel happiness in my life again.

I know it’s not easy.  When you start to move through grief, it’s natural that you will then move through guilt too.  You ask yourself, who are you to be happy when your loved one has died, or your relationship has ended, or you fear others will judge you for being happy.  But it is your choice!  I choose to live the rest of my life with happiness and love.  What are you choosing to feel?

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on “The Art of Possibility” ~ Rosamund Stone Zander & Benjamin Zander

“Michelangelo is often quoted as having said that inside every block of stone or marble dwells a beautiful statue; one need only remove the excess material to reveal the work of art within. If we were to apply this visionary concept to education, it would be pointless to compare one child to another. Instead, all the energy would be focused on chipping away at the stone, getting rid of whatever is in the way of each child’s developing skills, mastery, and self-expression.

We call this practice giving an A. It is an enlivening way of approaching people that promises to transform you as well as them. It is a shift in attitude that makes it possible for you to speak freely about your own thoughts and feelings while, at the same time, you support others to be all they dream of being. The practice of giving an A transports your relationships from the world of measurement into the universe of possibility.”

Isn’t this a great concept?  How often have we judged others based on their appearance, first impressions, or on relatively little information?  We form our opinions and we wait for them to prove to us, that this was misjudged, and they are more worthy, more lovable, than we imagined.

Wouldn’t it be great if we just assumed that every single person we met was a wonderful person.  And we are the ones that need to do the work, to see beneath the outward block of marble and see them for who they truly are?

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note  on Today we are Rich ~ Tim Sanders

“When it comes to finding reasons to be grateful—I think of them as avenues of appreciation—it helps to follow a practice I call the POET approach, which stands for People, Opportunities, Experiences, and Things. I put People first because taking note of their greatness in your life feeds your confidence in others. I put Things last because they cause us to focus on material items that can either be in short supply or be taken away entirely.”

I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal for a few years now, and it’s a common idea spoken about by many of the great teachers.  But I love this new idea of adding a further depth to the process using the POET approach.

So which five People are you grateful for today?

What five Opportunities are you grateful for today?

What Five Experiences are you grateful for today?

What five things are you grateful for today?

Try this for 30 days and see how great you feel, knowing that you have so much to be grateful for, no matter what challenges life has thrown at you.

One of my favourite books is “One hundred Wisdom Stories from around the world”  by Margaret Silf.  The following story is a particular favourite:

The Fisherman’s Dream

A fisherman once sat in the midday sun, gazing out to sea, watching his little fishing boat riding at anchor, and thinking to himself how good it was to sit in the sun with no worries, watch the waves breaking and enjoy god’s creation.

But his daydream was interrupted when a smartly dressed and rather overweight businessman came up to him, and broke into his reverie with a sharp question:

‘What are you doing lazing around at midday?  Why aren’t you out fishing?’

Somewhat taken aback, the fisherman replied, ‘I’ve done my day’s fishing.  I’ve taken my fish to market, and now I’m relaxing in the sun.’

‘But why don’t you put out to sea again and catch some more fish?’ his questioner insisted.

‘Why would I want to do that?’ replied the fisherman politely.

‘Well, then you would make twice as much money’

‘Why would I want to do that?’

‘Well then you could buy a bigger, better boat, and catch even more fish.  You could even employ other people to do the fishing.  My word, you could own a whole fleet of fishing boats if you weren’t so lazy.’

‘Why would I want to do that?’

‘Well if you owned your own fleet of boats, and employed other people to do the fishing, you would have as much money as you could ever dream of.’

‘Why would I want that?’

‘Well, then you could spend the rest of your life just doing whatever you wanted to do, sitting in the sun, relaxing and enjoying yourself, with no worries…’

So many of us are working harder and longer hours, chasing more and more money, because we think it will get us what we want.  But when it comes down to it, what is really important?  Will having more things really bring us the happiness we desire?  Or is having an abundance of time, and the freedom to spend it doing what we love, what we really want?

This is the question that I’m thinking about this week, and I have a feeling that I might want to do some course correcting.  How about you?  What’s really important to YOU?  Just ask yourself the question.  Don’t try and answer it but see what comes up for you if you just let that question linger.  When something does comes up for you, ask another question.  What one thing could You do today, that can bring more of it into your life?

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Time Warrior ~ Steve Chandler

“I keep daydreaming a scene I’d like to put in a book or a movie. A mad man (Me? Why not?) lives in a mental ward. (Me? It fits.)  Each day they let this man into the recreation room. He’s in his pyjamas. He sits down at the circular table. The attendant gives him a big blank pad of paper and a box of crayons. He takes out the crayons and draws the head of a monster. He stares at the monster, screams, and runs out of the room.

The whole thing looks funny to the attendant. It looks, shall we say it… insane. The poor mad man is scaring himself to death!

And crazy as that looks, we do that to ourselves each day. We use our crayons (our imagination) to scare ourselves instead of to create.”

Just love the visuals in this note.  If you’ve lost a loved one, or a relationship has ended, are you drawing monsters and frightening yourself to death?  I know when my husband died, there were so many crazy thoughts in my head.  Why did he do it?  What happened?   How will we ever get over his death?   How will we survive financially without him?  Where will we live?   Will it scar us for the rest of our lives?  I scared myself with my thoughts.  But as time has moved on, and I’ve moved through my journey of grief, the pictures that I choose to draw now with my crayons are colourful, bright, happy, pretty pictures.  I draw pictures of my happy family, friends, spending time with those I love, walking our puppy, reading, living my life’s purpose and helping other women.

So what pictures are you drawing with your crayons?  How about creating a picture that makes you happy and fills you with joy rather than scaring yourself.

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Note on Time Warrior ~ Steve Chandler

“I can choose to perceive every circumstance as an opportunity to grow and stay on my mission. And if this opportunity is also challenging, that’s even better. I have a chance to rise up – like a kite rises against the wind.  If there’s no wind the kite can’t fly. Have you ever tried to fly a kite when there’s no wind at all? Have you ever tried to have a great life when there’s no challenge? If there’s no challenge for me I cannot become stronger. I cannot grow.”

This is the first time I’ve heard this quote, and I love this picture of being a kite .  Many of us don’t like challenges, we don’t like struggle.  And if you’re faced with loss, then I’m sure this is something you’re very familiar with.  We’d prefer to have things as they were.  We’d rather have our relationship or our loved one back with us.  But we can’t change the past, no matter how hard we try.  So instead we have a choice, either to stay stuck in grief, despair and sadness, or we can choose to perceive that every single opportunity is there to lift us higher, like a kite against the wind.

So what kite would you be? Can you see that with the wind you’ll be more able to have a much more colourful and exciting time flying your kite than if there was no wind and your kite just lay on the ground?  Challenges may not be easy, but they do lead to a more exciting, vibrant life, if only we can see the gift in every single circumstance.

 Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Notes

Some great ideas this morning from this book.

“When I taught in a boy’s prep school, I used to talk to the boys who were trying to make up their minds as to what their careers were going to be. A boy would come to me and ask, ‘Do you think I can do this? Do you think I can do that? Do you think I can be a writer?’ ‘Oh,’ I would say, ‘I don’t know. Can you endure ten years of disappointment with nobody responding to you, or are you thinking that you are going to write a best seller the first crack? If you have the guts to stay with the thing you really want, no matter what happens, well, go ahead.’” ~ The Power of Myth ~  Joseph Campbell

In days gone by, people would choose their work, and stay in that one job throughout their lifetime. Nowadays, it’s more common that we will spend our lifetime in a variety of careers.  Certain lifetime events will prompt us to look at the work we do and consider if we want to make changes in this area.

When my late husband’s father died, I was working very long hours in London as a Chartered Accountant, travelling home on the midnight train.  While I had all the trappings of a successful career, his death prompted me to look at my life, and I realised that I wasn’t spending my time in the way I wanted.  Later that year, I resigned my job and moved into similar work with a better lifestyle balance.

Later when my husband and I chose to start a family, we agreed that I would take a career break, so that I could be a full time mother to our children, and this time, when the time came to return to work, I chose work that was part time, which allowed me the flexibility to work around our children.

After my husband’s death, I was again prompted to leave my job, and this time I’ve chosen to work in a totally different field.  Accountancy was no longer a passion for me, but helping other women was.

When I started this new work, I had no idea how successful I would be as a coach, how long it would take to attract a full practice of clients, and whether I would earn enough money for my desired lifestyle.  But the one thing I did know was that even if I have to spend the rest of my life without any signs of success, I was passionate about following this path, and fulfilling my life purpose.  The rewards of spending your time doing what you truly love cannot be quantified.

So what are you doing in your work?  Are you spending a significant proportion of your valuable time doing a job you hate?  Is there some passion burning deep within you that you would love to do, if only you had the courage to try it?

“Michael Jordan embraced his failures. In fact, in one of his favourite ads for Nike, he says: “I’ve missed more than nine thousand shots. I’ve lost almost three hundred games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot, and missed.” You can be sure that each time, he went back and practiced the shot a hundred times.”

How many of us have failed at something, and let it stop us dead in our tracks?  An exercise program, a nutrition program, a hobby that we just love but we don’t always get the results we want.  Failure is NORMAL!!  The important thing is that we pick ourselves up and recommit to what we want to achieve, again, and again, and again.  Like most women I have ongoing battles with maintaining a healthy, fit body.  I’ve had great success with various programs, covering nutrition and/or exercise and then life happens and I fall off the wagon.  But does that stop me?  NO!!  I might take a little break, but I come back again and again, focusing on what I want, and putting in the effort to get there.  Practice, Practice, Practice and we will get there.

How are you dealing with your failures?  What one thing could you do to transform that failure into your success?

“Think of something you need to do, something you want to learn, or a problem you have to confront. What is it? Now make a concrete plan. When will you follow through on your plan? Where will you do it? How will you do it? Think about it in vivid detail.

These concrete plans—plans you can visualize—about when, where, and how you are going to do something lead to really high levels of follow-through, which, of course, ups the chances of success.

So the idea is not only to make a growth-minded plan, but also to visualize, in a concrete way, how you’re going to carry it out.”

One of the things I would love to have is a beautifully landscaped garden, with space to play, to experience the beauty of nature, to relax and to entertain friends and family.  My garden is currently home to a huge 15 foot oval trampoline, that my kids absolutely love playing on, with each other and their friends.  I may not have the funding that’s required at the moment to complete my landscaping project, but I am quite clear that this is something that would benefit all of us in the near future.  So I have a plan to achieve this.  I recently attended a business networking meeting where a local Landscape gardener was giving a presentation.  I loved how she spoke of her work, and I immediately booked an appointment with her to discuss my requirements.  It’s the first step in a master plan, to achieve my dream garden.  I will be taking one step at a time,  but I know where I want to get to, and I have started my progress towards my goal.

The alternative would be to do nothing.  To wait until the funding was available before even starting this project.  But by starting the ball rolling, I know that I’m moving towards my goal, step by step, and I can feel the excitement as I visualise my dream garden right now, rather than in the future.

So what one thing do you want to do?  What one step could you take today to move you closer to achieving it?

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Notes

Here’s another great note, filled with wisdom on overcoming the places that scare you.

“We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice”

Every one of us faces challenges: the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of our family home, more responsibility than we ever imagined, lack of money, ill health, the list goes on.  For many of us, we struggle to deal with what’s thrown at us.  If we’re not strong, we can so easily end up letting these challenges pull us down, until we no longer resemble the person we were.  We feel bitterness, anger, fear, despair.  Our challenges consume us, and we look outside ourselves to blame others, or circumstances for what we have suffered.

But we do have a choice!   I won’t say it’s easy, but you can choose to open up to your challenges.  You can choose better feeling thoughts about any circumstance, and with practice you can soften and leave the challenges behind.  With learning and practice, I now have far more compassion, understanding, and appreciation compared with a few years ago.

So what do you choose?  Will you soften your heart?  The choice is yours!

“The third enemy of compassion is idiot compassion. This is when we avoid conflict and protect our good image by being kind when we should say a definite ‘no.’ Compassion doesn’t imply only trying to be good. When we find ourselves in an aggressive relationship, we need to set clear boundaries. The kindest thing we can do for everyone concerned is to know when to say ‘enough.’ Many people use Buddhist ideals to justify self-debasement. In the name of not shutting our heart, we let people walk all over us. It is said that in order not to break our vow of compassion we have to learn when to stop aggression and draw the line. There are times when the only way to bring down the barriers is to set barriers.”

This is a difficult one.  I spent 15 years in an abusive marriage.  I stayed because I thought that was the right thing to do, but finally I chose to say “enough” and took my 3 children to live in a refuge.  It wasn’t a popular choice, with my husband and others.  It certainly wasn’t an easy one.  Leaving a man I had been with for 25 years, and loved, who was the father of my children was possibly one of the most difficult choices I have ever had to make.  But it was the compassionate thing to do, for all of us.  My husband wasn’t happy that I’d left, but he told me that it was actually the best thing I could have done.  It forced him to face his demons, and he began a dialogue with his family, sharing with them the torment that he had been living.

If you’re in an aggressive relationship right now, are you showing compassion or idiot compassion to your partner?  Are you letting your partner walk all over you?  Could you set clearer boundaries for everyone’s benefit?

“We’d be wise to question why we hold a grudge as if it were going to make us happy and ease our pain. It’s rather like eating rat poison and thinking the rat will die. Our desire for relief and the methods we use to achieve it are definitely not in sync.”

I made a huge shift in my mindset when I came across this quote.  When someone takes their life, family often need to blame someone for the loss of life.  They seldom blame the person who died; they need to believe that the deceased was a victim in the event.  So sometimes they look to the husband or wife of the deceased, especially if there have been difficulties within the relationship, even more so if the relationship ended.

When my husband took his life, some blamed me, and 4 years later, some still do.  It’s a heavy burden to shoulder; especially when I know that for 15 years I did the very best I could do to support my husband through his challenges.  Knowing that I’d stood by my husband through so many years of turmoil, and was being judged so unfairly made me feel so much anger towards those who were blaming me.  Their treatment of me and their actions intensified the grief that my children and I were already feeling, and became all consuming.  I have never been one to feel hate, but I found this emotion growing within me like a virus, and it seemed as though I could do nothing to stop it.

Then I came across this quote.  I realised that by holding this grudge, this anger within me, the only person I was hurting was me.   Whatever I was thinking, whatever I was feeling, had absolutely no effect on anyone except me.  I cannot control other people’s thoughts or actions.  The only thing that I can control is my thoughts, and my actions.  So I chose to be kind to me.  I let go of the anger, I let go of the hurt.  It was as though a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders.

So have you been eating rat poison?  What could you do to ease your pain instead?

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Notes

I’m excited to read this Philosophers note and share a few of the big ideas that caught my attention this morning.

“We often ask, “What’s wrong?” Doing so, we invite painful seeds of sorrow to come up and manifest. We feel suffering, anger, and depression, and produce more such seeds. We would be much happier if we tried to stay in touch with the healthy, joyful seeds inside of us and around us. We should learn to ask, “What’s not wrong?” and be in touch with that. There are so many elements in the world and within our bodies, feelings, perceptions, and consciousness that are wholesome, refreshing, and healing. If we block ourselves, if we stay in the prison of sorrow, we will not be in touch with these healing elements.”

This message echos my learning over the last year.  When we look at what is lacking in our lives, it makes us feel so bad, because we’re focused on what we don’t want.  But if instead we can change our thoughts and choose to focus on all the wonder in our lives, the abundance, all the things that are “right” in our lives, our mood improves, we feel happiness, joy and appreciation.

When we have experienced loss in our lives, the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, we feel the hole that has been left in our lives, from the absence of that person.  But our lives are so much more than the relationship with that one person.  There is so much to be joyful for, we just have to open up to the intention to look for it.

“One of the best ways to cultivate gratitude is to establish a daily practice in which you remind yourself of the gifts, grace, benefits, and good things you enjoy. One of the best ways to do this is keeping a daily journal in which you record the blessings you are grateful for. My research has shown… that this technique makes people happier. When we are grateful, we affirm that a source of goodness exists in our lives. By writing each day, we magnify and expand upon these sources of goodness. Setting aside time on a daily basis to recall moments of gratitude associated with even mundane or ordinary events, your personal attributes, or valued people in your life gives you the potential to interweave and thread together a sustainable life theme of gratefulness, just as it nourishes a fundamental life stance whose thrust is decidedly affirming.” ~ Thanks! ~ Robert Emmons

This really is a very simple, and powerful practice that was one of THE practices that helped me when my  husband died.  I have a gratitude journal, and just spending time every morning helps me to appreciate how much goodness there is in my life.  Sometimes when we’re struggling, it can seem too difficult to find anything that we’re grateful for, but just start with finding one thing.  It could be that, you have a roof over your head, you have food in your belly, someone smiled at you, it’s a sunny day.  Just start with one thing you’re grateful for, and then the law of attraction will bring you another thought, something else you’re grateful for,  and then you’ll attract another thought.

Why not take a few minutes, right now, to write down five things you are grateful for today?  When you read what you’ve written, really feel how grateful you are for each item.

My good friend Linda Armstrong wrote a wonderful post about future appreciations which you might also find interesting.  What five things in the future will you be grateful for?

http://www.livelawofattraction.com/1330/ask-and-it-is-given-this-is-the-law-of-attraction

“The source of love is deep in us, and we can help others realize a lot of happiness. One word, one action, or one thought can reduce another person’s suffering and bring him joy. One word can give comfort and confidence, destroy doubt, help someone avoid a mistake, reconcile a conflict, or open the door to liberation. One action can save a person’s life or help him take advantage of a rare opportunity. One thought can do the same, because thoughts always lead to words and actions. If love is in our heart, every thought, word, and deed can bring about a miracle. Because understanding is the very foundation of love, words and actions that emerge from our love are always helpful.”

We all have so much power within us.  Every thought we think, every word we utter, every action we take can benefit others or can wound them.  Quite often we don’t think about how our thoughts, words and action might affect others, in fact we don’t necessarily think much at all, we’re just on automatic mode, just thinking and acting as we have always done before.  

But if we stop to think about the consequences, for ourselves and others, if we press our “pause” button, we can choose in the moment, to think a different thought, say something different.  If rather than judging others, for what we perceive they do, we can seek to understand them first, we will feel more compassion, and then our natural instinct will be to talk and act from love, with a totally different consequence.

So today, why not pause before speaking or taking action, and consider how you can give happiness to another and yourself, rather than sadness?

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Notes

 “It’s impossible to change the past or the present: you can only accept all that as it is. But you can tend to the causes of a better future. Most of the ways you’ll do this are small and humble… These little actions really add up over time. Every day, ordinary activities—as well as any personal growth or spiritual practices—contain dozens of opportunities to change your brain from the inside out. You really do have that power, which is a wonderful thing in a world full of forces beyond your control. A single raindrop doesn’t have much effect, but if you have enough raindrops and enough time, you can carve a Grand Canyon.”

When we experience loss in our life, we can so easily get stuck wishing that things were the same as before.  But we can’t change the past!  However, if we take time each and every day, just to take some small action, a baby step, we can create a better future for ourselves.  It might be just taking 5 minutes each day to sit quietly and meditate, or maybe getting out in nature, cooking ourselves a nice meal, or spending time with friends or loved ones.  Over time these small gifts to our self, will help us to accept the past, and begin to enjoy the present.

“If compassion is the wish that beings not suffer, kindness is the wish that they be happy. Compassion responds primarily to suffering, but kindness comes into play all the time, even when others are doing fine. Kindness is expressed mainly in small, everyday ways, such as leaving a big tip, reading one more story to a child even though you’re tired, or waving another driver to move ahead of you in traffic.

Kindness has a loving quality, thus the term loving-kindness. Loving-kindness ranges from the casual helpfulness of strangers to the profound love one has for a child or mate. The words “kind” and “kin” share the same root; kindness brings people into the circle of “us” and feeds the wolf of love.”

There are so many ways that we can offer kindness in our lives, and there are dual benefits.  It’s always great to receive a kindness, but it also feels good to give a kindness too!  It doesn’t have to cost anything either.  You can offer a smile, a hug, genuine interest in another person, an offer to help someone.  What act of kindness could you do today?

Marci Shimoff  tells us in her book “Happy for no Reason”: “Have the intention to notice everything good that happens to you: any positive thought you have, anything you see, feel, taste, hear, or smell that brings you pleasure, a win you experience, a breakthrough in your understanding about something, an expression of your creativity—the list goes on and on. This intention activates the reticular activating system (RAS), a group of cells at the base of your brain stem responsible for sorting through the massive amounts of incoming information and bringing anything important to your attention. Have you ever bought a car and then suddenly started noticing the same make of car everywhere? It’s the RAS at work. Now you can use it to be happier. When you decide to look for the positive, your RAS makes sure that’s what you see.”

When we’ve experienced loss, it’s easy to focus all our attention on what’s now missing from our lives.  We notice all the things that are going wrong in our lives and we feel even more miserable.  But if you choose to incline your mind to joy, by focusing on all the good, then you will naturally begin to experience more and more joy.  Now wouldn’t that be a better way to spend your days?

Source: Brian Johnson’s Philosophers Notes

It’s fitting that I received an email from Brian Johnson this morning with the quote “Follow your Bliss”, because this is the first piece of wisdom I “heard” when I began my healing 3 years ago.   So I’m beginning my Philosophers Notes project with this quote from this book.

“Follow your bliss”

These 3 simple words prompt each of us to work out for ourselves, what it is that we truly love to do?  What gets us all fired up?  If we had all the time and money in the world, how would we choose to spend our time?  It’s not about what other people want us to do; it’s what we want for ourselves.  And once we know what that is, it’s straightforward.  As Nike says “Just do it!”

When I first heard this quote I began to question what my bliss was.  I made a commitment that when I found out what it was; I was going to follow it.

“A bit of advice given to a young Native American at the time of his initiation: ‘As you go the way of life, you will see a great chasm.  Jump.  It’s not as wide as you think.’ ”

A year ago, I knew 3 things.  I wanted to run my own business.  I wanted to increase the abundance in my life.  I wanted to help other women.  Then I received an email about the Quantum Success Coaching Academy owned by Christy Whitman and I knew that I wanted to be a life coach.  But there was a problem.  I was an accountant.  I’d always loved numbers, not words.  So although the idea seemed the right one, I was also full of doubt about whether I could be successful as a coach.

Thankfully, when I received the above email, I was on the “Rock Your Goddess Life” course with Alexandra Jaye Johnson,  Brian’s wife.  That week we were focused on a module about confidence, and somehow that week I gained the confidence to take my leap across the great chasm.  And it wasn’t as wide as I thought.  I signed up for the QSCA course, and I’ve been following my bliss ever since.  I love coaching my clients, I love sharing my knowledge, and I love knowing that each day I’m inspiring others to follow their bliss too.

“Nietzsche was the one who did the job for me.  At a certain moment in his life, the idea came to him of what he called ‘the love of your fate’.  Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, ‘This is what I need’.  It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge.  If you bring love to that moment – not discouragement – you will find the strength is there.  Any disaster that you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life.  What a privilege!  This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have the chance to flow.

Then, when looking back at your life, you will see the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now.  You’ll see that this is really true.  Nothing can happen to you that is not positive.  Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not.  The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes”

Wow, that’s a long passage, but it’s a message of hope.  If you’re dealing with loss at the moment it can feel as though you’re never going to get through it.  We ask ourselves, “why me?”, “what did I do to deserve this?”.  But if we can change our mindset, and just think of the possibility that this struggle, this disaster in our life, is just what we need to help us exhibit strength, to make us look at ourselves and see the opportunity for growth.  It’s not easy, but the rewards are there if you’re prepared to try.

When my husband died, I could have spent years wallowing in self pity, blaming others for what had happened, being fearful of what future might lie ahead for me and my children.  But 4 years later, I do love my fate.  My husband’s death was the catalyst for me to become a more empowered, more loving, more compassionate, more appreciative person than I was before.

So what if you could look at your fate and believe that ‘This is what you need’?   What would you do today, if you knew that this challenge will cause you to rise from the ashes like a phoenix, or transform from a caterpillar into the most beautiful butterfly?

My journey of self healing began about a year after my husband died when I started searching for wisdom literature.  I came across Brian Johnson and his Philosophers Notes.  At the time Brian had taken 100 of the best self help books and summarised each book into a 6 page pdf and an mp3.  10 minute tv episodes followed later, freely available on youtube.  I began to immerse myself in these Philosophers Notes and the wisdom in these notes totally changed my life.  3 years on and Brian has released 80 Philosophers Notes in Volume 2.

I have decided that over the next 90 days I want to go through all the Philosophers Notes that Brian has produced, and pick out for you those “big ideas” that I think will help you to heal from your loss.  Since I have healed and grown so significantly since my husband died, I am excited to see what wisdom comes up for me now.

I do hope that you will enjoy my future blogs on the Philosophers Notes, and if you’d like to find out more about Brians work, please go to the entheos website  to see how you can obtain the notes for yourself.

Sunday was Mothers Day, and I missed it!  Not for myself, my children brought me breakfast in bed, a lovely big card and various gifts.  But I forgot to send my own mum cards and gifts.  This is totally out of character for me.  I actually bought two cards weeks ago, one from me, one from my kids, but never got as far as writing or sending them.

When I look around my home, there are things I’m missing here too.  This morning one child was without a vital item of clothing, there wasn’t food for a packed lunch, one child missed their school bus, and stress levels were rising.  Suddenly I was Mrs Angry, frustrated that such seemingly small things were derailing me and my day.

I’m overwhelmed.  I’ve known it for some time, but I realised this morning that I need to work through this as a priority.

Like you, I wear a number of different hats for my different roles in life.  I’m both mum and dad to my three children, a family member, a friend, a housekeeper, a student, a coach, a business woman, and I’m me too.  Each role is an important part of who I am, but I feel like they’re all pulling me in different directions at the moment, and I need to take stock of where I am and where I’m going.

My 1 year coaching course is coming to an end with the opportunity to take the final exam.   One of my main priorities over the next two months is to complete all my exam requirements , revise, and take the final exam so that I am a certified Law of Attraction Life coach, and then allow myself a complete break from working after this exciting but challenging busy year.

I’ve therefore decided to take a break, temporarily, from a number of activities, to relieve some of the pressure I’ve been putting myself under.   I have had a weekly commitment to write a blog every Tuesday, and for the next few months, I’m releasing myself from that commitment.  I’ll be back in a couple of months, certified, refreshed and ready to share more.

Sometimes we have to sit back and be kind to ourselves.  We don’t have to do everything now, and we can choose to reduce the weight on our shoulders by simply focusing on fewer important tasks.

So when you look at your “to-do” list this week, is there one thing that you committed to do, that you could release yourself from, either temporarily or maybe even for good?  You don’t have to do it all now!

I woke up on Wednesday, and I wasn’t feeling my normal joyful self.

It started Tuesday evening, which was surprising because I spent most of the day with my wonderful sister, chilling, relaxing and chatting, which was really enjoyable.  But an assortment of different thoughts started filling my head that evening, which knocked me off track.  As a life coach I’ve learnt many techniques and tools through my studies which work wonders, so generally I am a very happy person, but I’m still human, so I have my off days too, just like you.

When we’re feeling low, it’s easy to get sucked in to staying in that vibration.  We can feel sorry for ourselves, throw ourselves a pity party.  We stuff our feelings, and self medicate with drink, drugs, sex, and food, there are many options.  My medicine of choice has always been food.   When I feel low, I know that momentarily I can feel better, by eating something, generally laden with sugar.

But if we take this option, we stay where we are, which means that we miss out on a more vibrant, happy life experience.  Sometimes I do allow myself a short pity party.  I set the timer, and tell myself I can wallow in self pity, anger, sadness, whatever the negative feeling is for a certain time, and then when the timer goes off, I have to snap out of it.  Where years ago I could have stayed in this vibration for days, now I allow myself 10 minutes.

The key to shifting your vibration or feelings is to find something different to do, anything, it doesn’t matter what it is, but what is important is that you know it works for you, you know it will make you feel a little bit better than you’re feeling at the moment.

A friend texted me Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, and what a powerful medicine it is, when you know that at least one person cares about you.  As a mum, I do an awful lot of giving to my three children, practically, emotionally, financially, and if we’re not careful we give so much of ourselves that there’s nothing left for us.  So friendships are really important in filling us up emotionally, so that we can give to others.

I meditate every morning on waking, and as I listened to the wonderful 21 day Mind Body Odyssey by the Chopra Centre, I heard exactly what I needed to hear that morning to lift my spirits.

Once my children had gone to school, my next action was to take our puppy, poppy for a walk in the woods.  I am very fortunate to live near a lovely woodland area where there are horses and deer roaming freely.  I have enjoyed this walk on and off over the last few years, and it always lifts my spirits.  Whatever the weather, it’s great to get outside in nature, see the beauty around me, and get some fresh air and exercise.  As I set off for my walk it was raining, but it didn’t matter, rain or shine, even snow, I know this walk will make me feel better.

While I walked I chose to listen to an Abraham Hicks mp3 from one of their workshops.  Esther Hicks’ voice and the wisdom she delivers always lifts my mood, I couldn’t help laughing at some of her wonderful observations, and again I heard just what I needed to hear to lift me up again.

When I returned home I took a wonderful soak in a hot bubble bath.  This is such a simple pleasure: to relax in water, to take 10 minutes just to be present, I always wonder why I don’t do it more often.  I took a few minutes to dress in some nice clothes and style my hair.  I wasn’t seeing anyone that day, but don’t you feel better when you know that you look good?  Have you noticed that when you’re hair is not at its best, or when you’re wearing scruffy clothes, you just don’t feel as good?

So after all my little rituals, I felt so much better.  My reality was still the same, the things that had caused me to feel bad were still there.  But I had found a way to make me feel better, and from my studies of the law of attraction I know that how I feel will affect what I bring into my life in the future.

So, how are you feeling today?  What one thing could you choose to do, that you know will make you feel just a little bit better?

Sometimes we have to acknowledge that there is something in our lives, which may have been what we wanted in the past, but it is no longer serving us.  Having made that acknowledgement, it can then take us some time to take action to “let it go”.

I have been in a relationship with someone, on and off for a few years.  He’s a wonderful man, and has been there for me, at my most difficult moments, offering companionship, support and fun.  However, I have also known for a while, that I want something else.

One of the first aha moments I had was listening to an interview with Christine Arylo on the “Renew You 2010″ Seminar.  Her topic was “Dare to be loved: get the love you want by loving yourself first”.  One of the vows that she discussed was “I’m honest with me”.  She says:

“We lie to ourselves not because we’re afraid of the truth, but because we’re afraid of the consequences, for example staying in a broken relationship because we’re afraid to be alone.  A very common lie is: I can fix him or her.  We try to marry or date someone’s potential.  People tell you who they are, so believe them when they do”.

This struck a chord with me at the time.  I was with a good man, but part of me was hoping that he’d change, and yet I knew from past experience with my husband, that you can spend a lifetime waiting for someone to change, and if they don’t want to, they never will.

Another quote that I came across at the same time was by Leo Buscaglia from his book “Love”

 “If he desired to know about automobiles, he would, without question, study diligently about automobiles. If his wife desired to be a gourmet cook, she’d certainly study the art of cooking, perhaps even attending a cooking class. Yet, it never seems as obvious to him that if he wants to live in love, he must spend at least as much time as the auto mechanic or the gourmet in studying love.”

When I’d asked the man in my life if he loved me, he had answered; “I don’t know what love is”.  This wasn’t what I wanted to hear.  So I ended it, because I want to be with someone who does know what love is.

Months went by, and I missed his friendship, so we got back together again, had some good times, but some time later, the old frustrations came up for me, and we split up again.

He had been my best friend for over 20 years and so we stayed friends, I didn’t want to lose that.  This Xmas we got back together again.  More good times and fun, but on Valentine’s Day, I realised yet again, that I’m just kidding myself and I have to let him go.

You can use the process “Clarity through Contrast” to write a list  of what you really want in a relationship.  But the difficulty with this process can be believing that you can have what you want.  You write out a long list of all the things you want, and you can feel rather selfish, shallow maybe, when you read it back.  Part of you also doubts that you will ever find someone that meets all your criteria.  You ask yourself, who am I to be wanting so much?  But it is ok to want what you want!!  Your life is all about discovering what you don’t want, so that you can work out what you do want.   You have to ask yourself another question:

If this is what I want, who do I need to be, to bring this into my life?

If I want a man who appreciates me, then I have to be someone who will appreciate my mate.  If I want to attract someone who is generous with their time and their money, then I have to be generous too.  This is where the fun starts.

What action do I need to take, to ensure that I am the type of person that will naturally attract the person I want?

I think I do have a a lot of the qualities I’m looking for, but we’re all a work in progress.  We can all be a little bit better, a little more loving, a little more generous, a little more appreciative…

So where am I now?  I’ve not spoken with this man for two weeks; I’ve written him a letter telling him I’m letting him go.  There are lots of things that I will miss about him.  It can be very hard being alone, not having someone to talk to, share your day with.  But you can’t stay with someone because you’re afraid to be on your own.  It’s not fair to either of you.

There is another process I use with my client which is “Create a void or vacuum”.  A void or vacuum is always waiting to be filled.  If you make space in your life, then you create the opportunity for something new to come in.  Clear out your wardrobe of all those old clothes that you don’t like, and you give yourself the opportunity to fill the space with new ones that are more in line with who you are now.  Clear out your old friendships and relationships that don’t serve you anymore, and you give yourself the space to attract ones that will serve you better.

I feel sadness at letting this man go, and I know there will be moments of loneliness, but I now have space in my life to attract someone more in line with what I want, and that is so exciting!!

So what are you holding onto that doesn’t serve you anymore?  What steps could you take to become clearer on what you do want?  Who do you need to be, to attract it into your life?

One of the processes that I use with my clients is called “Clarity through Contrast”.  Identify a subject you want to gain clarity on, maybe a love relationship.  Write the heading “Contrast” on the left of your page, and on the right the heading “Clarity”.

Now write down all the things that you don’t want under the “Contrast” heading.    Think about all the relationships you’ve ever had, and write down all the things that you don’t ever want to have again.  When your list is complete, go back to the first item.  If you don’t want that, pivot, and think about what you do want instead.   What would be wonderful to have? What would make you excited?  What would make you feel great?  On the right of the page, opposite your contrast, write down what you want instead.  As you consider each item in turn, cross out the item on the left.  You don’t want that, so get rid of it, and when you’ve finished going through your contrast list, you’re left with your clarity list.   You now have clarity on all the things that you really want.

So for example: in one relationship I might have experienced someone who criticised me, but what I want is someone who appreciates me;  I might have spent time with someone who never had any money, where what I want is someone who is generous with their time and their money;  I might remember someone who was controlling, yet what I want is someone who allows me to be who I am.

It’s a wonderful process, it gives you real clarity on what you want.  Then if you focus on what you want, why you want it, and how you want to feel, you will find that the law of attraction will work to bring you your desires.

So what do you need clarity on?  Why not try this process yourself?

I’m preparing for a coaching session and one of the questions to ask when someone is facing a challenge is:

“When we face great adversity, we are either broken by it, survive it, or it becomes a defining moment.  What response would make this a defining moment for you?”

This comes shortly after receiving a text from a dear friend who has been subject to a recent incident of domestic violence.

So today’s blog is about my experience of living in a refuge.

My marriage had been difficult for some time and in 2006 I finally made an appointment with Citizens Advice to find out what my options were if I left my husband, since he refused to leave the marital home.  I was informed that if I chose to make myself homeless, since I was a homeowner, the council would not house me.  It seemed as though I was trapped with no options, and so all I could do was stick it out, and hope that things improved.

On 17 March 2008, I made the decision to leave my husband and my home, whatever the consequences.  I had been fearful of the consequences of leaving, not knowing where I would live, how I would survive financially, the effect on my children, but that morning, something happened that meant that I knew I had to leave immediately, irrespective of the consequences.

Luckily for me, one of my close friends was a domestic violence counsellor, and had been supporting me for some time.  She phoned the police, I made a report, and an appointment was made with a local Refuge.  I knew little about refuges, I assumed they were dismal places, and not somewhere that I would ever need to go.  After an interview my children and I were given a place immediately.

A good friend picked my children up from school, and I went back to my home, accompanied by two police officers.  I packed two bags, with the bare necessities.  My husband was totally surprised that I was leaving, and kept telling the police that I was completely mad and that they should get me checked out, because I was mentally unstable.

The refuge was a big house, built specifically for the purpose.  After completing some forms, we were shown to our room.  There was a cot, a bunk bed and a single bed with a pull out mattress.  There was a sink, and a chest of drawers.  The house had a number of rooms for families, and on each floor there was a shared bathroom.  On the ground floor there was a tv room, a kitchen, a dining room, a play room, and a laundry room.

Two of my children slept in the bunk bed, my eldest on the single bed and I took the mattress on the floor.  I didn’t even have any blankets that first night, due to an oversight by the office staff.

The day after we arrived, another family moved in, a mum with her 3 children, and we became friends.   We remain very close now, I think when you experience something like that together, it forms a bond that will never be broken.

We had to pay rent while we lived there, which included our electricity and heating.  There was also a cleaning rota.  The refuge was full, so shortly after we moved in the office Manager decided that the families should give the refuge a spring clean.  I remember spending my Easter weekend cleaning all the walls in that three storey house.  It was a tedious job, and I was so angry at having to do it, but it felt very satisfying when it was done, and it had taken my mind off my situation.  Everyone did their bit, and the whole place looked fresh.  My poor friend ended up having to clean the kitchen, defrosting fridges/freezers, cleaning ovens; I think she got the short straw.

We soon discovered that one of the advantages of being there was that M&S delivered free food every night.  They would bring trays full of out of date food, salads, pizzas, desserts, fruit, vegetables, all sorts.  We never had to buy any food when we were living there, there was a constant supply.

One of the most difficult things about living in the refuge was not having my belongings.  The crockery and cooking utensils were quite old and chipped,  and I remember using the dishcloths which just fell apart as soon as you put water on them.  One of the first things I bought when I moved in was a packet of dishcloths, such a cheap purchase, but it felt like luxury compared to the ones supplied.  The bed linen was adequate, and all our clothes fitted in the chest of drawers.  Every time you opened a drawer, the bottom moved and all our clothes fell out.

Those three months really taught me that you can survive with very little.  You don’t need all the fancy “stuff” to survive; however, now that I have my own home again, I really do appreciate my nice things, even more than I did before.

Another thing that was difficult was the isolation.  No one was allowed to know where we were.  At the weekends, most of the other families had places to go, so quite often my children and I were the only ones living in the house.  It was a big old house, and we rattled around in it, with little to do, no creature comforts.  But the solitude was also a gift.  For the first time in many years, I had the opportunity to think, without distraction.  I began to listen to my own thoughts, since I no longer had someone else filling my head with their ideas.

Families are allowed to stay for up to six months in a refuge, but when you’ve been there for three months, you are awarded additional points when applying for houses, so families started to move out into the council houses that were available.  It was at this point, that it was made clear, that since I was a homeowner, the council would not house us.

I had continued working throughout this time, but my job was only part time and I didn’t earn a huge salary.  The only option left for me was to rent in the private sector.  I didn’t know how I would afford it, but I found a flat above a tyre shop, and we moved back to Hook in June 2008.  Again, it wasn’t a desirable location, but it was opposite the children’s school, close to the park, and the shops.  Sadly it was also opposite the cemetery, which wasn’t an issue when we moved in but when my husband died a few months later, we could see his grave from our bedroom windows.

17 March 2008 became a defining moment in my life, as I finally moved from being a victim to someone who would start to take her power back.  When I look back on those days in the refuge it is with a grateful heart.  They provided us with a roof over our heads, but more than that, it really was a refuge from a difficult situation.  The experience gave me peace of mind, and the strength to know that I had taken the first of many courageous steps, and my life would never be the same again.

The experience for me was a positive one, but not everyone was able to deal with it.   Just before I left a Thai woman moved in with her young son.  She had left a beautiful home; and she really struggled that first night of living in the refuge.  The following day she went back to her husband.

If you are struggling with domestic violence, this is one option that might be open to you.  It might not be some where you would ever dream of going to, but it could just change your life, for the better.

Whatever unique challenge you are facing, what response can you choose, to make it a defining moment for you, rather than being broken by it, or just survive it?

I’ve been listening to the audio book “Money and the Law of Attraction” by Abraham-Hicks and I was reminded of an idea which really helped me in my healing journey.   It’s funny that my path has taken me to my Life coaching course, and that one of the required reading books contains this very idea.

 “You have to begin to tell the story of your life as you now want it to be and discontinue the tales of how it has been or how it is”

I first came across this idea in September 2009, while reading a Philosophers Note on the book.  My recollection of the story I was telling myself at the time is:

I’ve spent 15 years living in an abusive marriage.   I’ve struggled with parenting my three children.  We’ve never had enough money.  My husband has now taken his life, and I don’t know what made him do it.  He’s been threatening to do it for so long, but I never thought he’d actually do it.  Is there something I could have done that would have stopped him taking this step?  I’m so angry with him that he’s absolved responsibility yet again and left me to raise our children on my own.  My children are struggling with what’s happened, and I don’t know how to help them.  This is so hard.  I’ve resigned my job so that I can sort myself out, but can we really survive this?

My story was my perception of my reality at the time, and it was making me desperately unhappy every time I replayed the old story.

So I decided that I would choose to tell a new story instead, which was:

I am a loving mother of three wonderful children, with great friends, and family, living in a lovely house. We are healthy, and financially comfortable. One day I will find a loving partner to share my life with. I will dedicate my life to learning, and I will eat healthy food while performing regular exercise to provide my body with energy and strength for life. I will discover my bliss, and with all my heart I will follow it. 

My old story has made me who I am today, but my new story fills me with enthusiasm and love, to live life to the full. 

Two years on and I’m still living that new story.  I’m still refining it as I find more and more things that I want to include in my new story, but I’m no longer stuck telling that old story, and I feel so much happier.

So, what old story do you keep telling?  What new story can you write, that will make you feel so much happier?

This afternoon I made a spur of the moment decision to go to the cinema.  I didn’t have a film in mind, but as soon as I saw George Clooney in the film “The Descendants” I booked my ticket.  It was certainly an afternoon of contrasts.

The film is set on the Hawaiian Islands and it sparked happy memories of 1992 when I was lucky enough to spend nine days visiting The Big Island, Kauai, and Oahu.  I particularly loved Kauai.  I was travelling on my own, so was staying in a budget hotel.  My hotel was on the beach, there was a pool where I swam daily, the shopping mall was close by and I spent a lot of time reading books by the pool, on the beach, and while eating in restaurants.  The sea was beautiful blue, the sand white, and I had a wonderful time.

I was an Elvis Presley fan so I visited one of the hotels where scenes from “Blue Hawaii” were filmed.  Walking through the palm trees in the hotel grounds I was so excited to think that Elvis had been there.  I took a trip to Waimea Canyon and loved the sheer expanse of this open space, and would love to visit The Grand Canyon one day.

Watching the film this afternoon brought back all those happy memories.  I’d had two years living in Sydney with Simon, my late husband, and was on my way home to the UK.  This was part of a 12 week trip.  I remember half way through my trip thinking, I only have 6 weeks left!!  Funny how times change!

In the film, Clooney plays a Land Baron who tries to reconnect with his two daughters after his wife is involved in a boating accident and lies in a coma.  Simon died over 3 years ago, and I thought I was all cried out, but certainly this afternoon those tears were flowing.  Watching the characters trying to deal with the knowledge that his wife was going to die, allowed me to release some sadness that was still lurking there.

My own experience was different from the film.  Simon took his life.  There was no warning, no note found afterwards to explain his actions, no goodbyes, just the knowledge that he was dead.

I was ill in hospital when Simon died.  I had to be taken to the morgue to identify his body, in a wheelchair because I was so ill; I was unable to stand up.  I’d seen his parents and his sister in the chapel of rest when they died, but when I saw Simon lying there, I felt such disbelief.  His body was there, he looked at peace, but it was so hard to comprehend that there was no life in this body.  I’d spent 25 years of my life with him, we’d travelled the world together, created three children, and we’d shared so many happy memories and a lot of heartache too.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was tell my three children that their dad was dead.  We were all in shock, and that first night was particularly hard on all of us.  The hospital wouldn’t discharge me, and my three children had to go back to our flat and grieve without me.

When Simon was moved to the local chapel of rest, I took each of my children to see their dad.  I didn’t know what the “correct” thing to do was, but I felt that it was important that they had the opportunity, if they wanted it, to see their dad, and say their goodbyes.  They each chose to visit him, and reacted in their own unique way to seeing his body.  They all attended the funeral, and behaved so beautifully.  No mucking about, or fighting, they were so brave, I was so proud of them.  One daughter wrote a poem expressing her love for her dad, and we included it on the order of service, reading it still fills me with so much emotion.

Simon loved the beach in Porth, Cornwall.  We’d spent a number of family holidays there, so the following April we returned for a week’s holiday at our usual hotel to perform a particular “ceremony”.  I really struggled during that holiday.  The previous year’s holiday had been very difficult; there were a lot of very unhappy memories from that trip.  Also I’d always been at this hotel with Simon.  To be there again, seeing all the happy families, dads playing with their kids, it felt like a knife being twisted in my heart.

One afternoon, we went down to Simon’s favourite beach to perform our “ceremony” and took four balloons with messages attached.  We said a few words remembering Simon, with a plan to let go of all the balloons at once.  The next thing we knew one of them had escaped.  I joked that it was Simon playing tricks on us and we laughed.  He was always a joker, a big kid, it lightened the mood.  We let go of the remaining balloons and as we watched them on their journey up into the sky, we chose to believe that we were sending our messages of love and goodbyes to Simon from this special place.

We all have different ways of grieving our loved ones.  There is no right or wrong way.  Whatever the relationship was like at the time of their passing, there is always an underlying emotion of love, even if you need to dig a bit to find it.  We can always find a multitude of things that we liked, loved and appreciated about our loved one.

We also have our own path of healing to follow, but sometimes we can get stuck in our grief.  Our loved one is gone, and that feels terrible.  But we can choose to stay in a place of grief, sadness, and powerlessness or we can choose better feeling thoughts.  Staying in grief is never going to bring our loved one back, all that happens is we miss out on what life has to offer us.  If we choose to feel better it doesn’t mean that we didn’t care about our loved one, but we can choose to live the remainder of our lives to the fullest.

When Simon’s dad died in 1993, it was the first time I’d known anyone who had died.  It made me realise that our time here is limited, and I chose to value each and every single day, and live it to the full.  Recently my 10 year old son said that if I died, he’d want to die as well.  I told him quite firmly, that when my time comes, I would hate for him to die too.  I want him to continue to love and enjoy his life, with his friends and his own family.  We’ll meet again soon enough.

So if you’re struggling with grief, please know that “you are where you are, and as with any journey, where you are is simply where you are.  It’s your starting place”  Wherever you are is ok!!

But you do have a choice of where your journey takes you next.  What will you choose?

“Virtual reality” is a great process to use when you don’t have a lot of time, but you want to enjoy the emotional journey of experiencing what you want.

In this process, imagine you are the director in a movie.  You want this whole movie to feel wonderful.  You can either choose a memory of something which feels really good to you, or use your imagination to visualise and create this wonderful scene.

If you could choose one place to be, where would you be?  Choose somewhere that feels really great.  What time of day is it?  What’s the weather like?  What are you wearing?  How are you feeling?  What are you doing?  Who is with you?   Imagine the dialogue between you.  Stay in your virtual reality for as long as you feel good, and then jump out when you feel it’s time to come back to reality.

Here’s an example of using this process.

I’m going to use virtual reality to think about a day at the spa of a local 5 star hotel.  I’ve been to the spa before so I can use my memory to recall some of the detail, and I’ve experienced a variety of pampering treatments at other spas so I can call on those memories to complete my scene.

I enjoy my short drive to the spa, and park in the car park.  The sun is shining and the gardens are looking so beautiful as I walk towards the reception area.  After I check in, I make my way to the changing rooms.  As I change into my new swimsuit, I feel so happy and confident.  I see my reflection in the mirror, it feels so good to know that I’m looking good and feeling strong and fit. 

I’m led to my first treatment, a wonderful massage.  The aroma of the oils is wonderful, and the massage is so relaxing, I feel like I could fall asleep.  Next stop is refreshments and I relax in a comfy chair and read a great book.  It’s so quiet, so tranquil, and I’m able to read and enjoy so much of my book without distraction.

My next treatment is a wonderful facial.  My skin feels all tingly and fresh as layers of lotions and potions are applied.  I’m so relaxed. 

A wonderful lunch is next.  The food is divine, and I enjoy a chilled glass of wine.  I’m so happy to spend my day here.  My book is so exciting; I’m half way through all ready.

The next few hours are spent enjoying the swimming pool, the outdoor Jacuzzi, the sauna and steam room…….

Why not try it for yourself?  Where would you like to be?  Imagine or recall what it would feel like.  What would happen in your movie?

On Tuesday 31 January 2012 I will be starting my first 30 day challenge, on my Facebook page and I’d love you to join me.

Each month I will select one practice that has helped me on my journey of healing from loss in my life.  I commit to practicing this one “fundamental” ritual daily for 30 days with the intention that this ritual becomes second nature in my daily routines.  I would love you to join me so that you can make this ritual part of your daily practice too.

For the month of February I have chosen the practice of Gratitude.

Many authors write about the benefits of adopting a daily practice of positive habits, rituals or addictions. These are the things that we know, will improve our lives in some way: meditation, gratitude, journaling, exercise, healthy eating…

Stephen Covey in his great book “The 7 habits of highly effective people” asks:

“What one thing could you do in your personal and professional life that, if you did on a regular basis, would make a tremendous positive difference in your life?….. Our effectiveness takes quantum leaps when we do them.”

Over the last few years there have been many practices that I have taken up, but I haven’t always been consistent with the practice.  Most of us at the beginning of the year look at where we are in our lives, where we want to be and write down many different actions that we are going to take to move us forward in our lives.  But often within weeks or maybe even days we lose motivation, feel overwhelmed and ultimately give up.

George Leonard in his book “Mastery” talks about the importance of not giving up, but to enjoy the journey, the process:

 “We fail to realise that mastery is not about perfection. It’s about a process, a journey. The master is the one who stays on the path day after day, year after year. The master is the one who is willing to try”

And Aristotle says:

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

I took a course with Brian Johnson called “Optimal Living 101” and one of the aha moments for me was when he suggested focusing on one thing at a time.  Practice that one thing for 30 days until it becomes second nature and only then add another practice.  This process of one step at a time, he referred to as “Baby steps”.

I’d also come across this idea a few years before with Flylady,  a website which teaches readers how to take BabySteps and establish little routines for getting rid of their clutter and maintaining their home.

While taking the Optimal living course I chose to focus on exercise.  I realised how important it was for me to do this daily and with the inspiration of the course I succeeded in making this a daily habit.

Some time later I joined a 30 day challenge on Facebook, this time I focused on making meditation a daily practice.  Within 30 days I was waking up at 5.45 in the morning and meditating for an hour daily.  I also won a book from the challenge “One small step can change your life” by Robert Maurer which is waiting to be read.

I’ve found that by focusing on one ritual at a time, with inspiration and encouragement from a support network which keeps me accountable, I am more successful at keeping to my daily rituals.  Hence my decision to start this months challenge.

I do hope you’ll join me.

Over twenty years ago in 1992, I attended a motivation evening at a gym, while I was living in Sydney, Australia.  The speaker posed three questions, which we were to think about and write down our answers.  These questions have really helped me take some big leaps in my life, when I’ve been at a crossroads.

What are your current goals?

If you had a million dollars, what would you do?

If you only had six months to live, what would you do?

Well, I was at a gym, so the current goals that came to mind were:

I want to lose weight
I want to be fit
I want to wear clothes several sizes smaller
I want to perform better in my training.

When I thought about what I’d do if I had a million dollars I’m sure I came up with similar ideas to many others:

Buy a big house
Buy a nice car
Take some nice holidays
Pay off any debt

But the last question really made me think.  If I knew I only had a limited time left, what would I do:

I’d spend more time with friends and family
I’d return home to the UK and travel around Europe
I’d enjoy every moment and not take anything for granted.

About a year later, I returned to the UK, went back to my job in London, and one night found myself coming home from work on the midnight train to Fleet, Hampshire yet again.  I lived in a nice flat with Simon (my late husband); I had an important title at work; had a company car; and was earning a good salary.

These three questions came to me.  When I wrote down the five things that I would do if I only had six months to live, I realised that I wasn’t doing any of them!!  My focus on climbing the corporate ladder, wasn’t taking me any closer to the things that were really important to me, travelling, being in the moment, and spending time with those I loved.  Simon and I were earning good money, but we never had time to spend it.  Six months later I resigned my job.  I didn’t have a job to go to, but I knew that this wasn’t what I wanted.   I was lucky that Simon was willing to support me financially in the few months that I didn’t work.  When I was ready to work, I found another job, quite painlessly, and it was much better for my work life balance than the job before.

It’s easy to get caught up with our busy lives, but if you knew that you only had a few months to live, what would be your priority?

Would you mend that relationship that is important to you, and you can’t quite remember why you stopped talking in the first place?
Would you appreciate what you already have in your life, rather than chasing the next best purchase?
Would you book that ticket to the one place in the world that you would love to visit?
Would you book a table at your favourite restaurant, and choose what you would love to eat and drink, rather than worry about how many calories there are or how much it costs?

When we know our time is limited, we tend to pack in so much more than normal.  Simon and I went to Australia on  a 2 year secondment with my work.  We prioritised seeing as much of Australia as we could in the time, and we did.  Every opportunity, we would take a trip, to Tasmania, to Perth, to the Barrier Reef,  to Adelaide, the Great Ocean Road….  We had such a marvellous time, and those 2 years are some of the most treasured memories that I have of spending time with my late husband.

Every one of us has a limit on how long we will live.   But we assume that there’s still plenty of time, we put off doing some of the things that are important to us because there’s no urgency.

So, if you knew that you only had a few months to live, what would you do? 

Are you doing those things right now, that are most important to you? 

I’d love to hear what comes up for you when you do this exercise.